The Wrong Song...

Coincidences

2011-12-23T14:49:00.004+03:00

You're looking at the US Embassy, Baghdad Iraq.

So the very first day I arrived in country it was raining, and I joked that I brought the rain!
Today is my last day in country and guess what, rain. Huh.
Anyways, off to home just in time for Christmas with the family. I can't wait to see, hold, hug and love them all.
Whereever you are, whatever you do, here's to a very safe and Merry Christmas!

Regards,

-Bouncer-

A Few Words About Dad

2011-09-24T18:37:00.005+03:00

My father passed away September 16th, at 0855. He was 81. He was a combat soldier who served three tours in Vietnam earning the Combat Infantry Badge, the Bronze Star, the Vietnamese Cross Of Gallantry w Palm device and numerous other medals. The following is my testament to him (with some small edits). I love you dad.

First, to know that my father was loved by so many people is truly a testament to the man that he was, and is, because my father lives on.

He may not be with us day-to-day, but he is in each of his children, and in his wife. He is in our hearts, he is in our souls, and he is in the makeup of who we are. And he gave each of us gifts.

My mother, got a loving partner of 56 years. They were each other's rock, their inspiration, their place of peace. Their happiness was as intertwined as two trees that grow together to become stronger than either one alone. And even as one tree passes from the seasons, it remains present and supports the other, so they are never truly alone.

My brother, got his love of athletics from my father. Dad was a golfer, a skier, a hiker and a handball player. I remember going on Volksmarches with him in Germany, which some of you in the military may have also gone on. I remember going skiing with him. I remember playing golf with him. I remember the day he got his hole in one.

To the oldest sister, he gave passion. He could be a very intense and passionate man. I remember he and I watching our beloved Redskins once again take it to the wire and not quite make it. I've never seen anyone get so lovingly frustrated. And yet there we were again next week, rooting for them again. Never say die.

To the younger sister, he gave his steadiness, his inner calm. It is one of the things that truly made him, a man of grace. When things were going wrong all around, or when under fire, he was a man of steady presence. He was a man you wanted with you, by your side. He was our rock in so may ways.

And to me, he gave his love of learning, of exploring. My father started out as a Tanker. An armor officer. Working with dangerous things, in dangerous places. And yet he never stopped learning. He became a man of science and math. A prodigious reader. A man who read the paper cover to cover and one or two books a week, every week, for decades.

But his most precious gift to us all, was one of time. Dad always had time for his wife, and his children. No matter how busy he was, or how involved in other things he might be, he always, always, made time for his family whenever they wanted, or needed, it. And time is a precious thing. You always think there will be more. But time is finite, and Dad knew this, and made the most of his.

So you see, he is gone now, but he is not gone at all. Because as you look at his children, his grandchildren and his great grandchildren, you see him. He is still here, all around us. I only hope, we have made him proud. I believe, that we have made him proud. And I know, that I am proud of him. And that I love him very much. And that I miss him, very very much.

Please remember one thing. In the lessons that he taught his children, his family, and in the impact he made on all of us here, he is not gone. He lives on, through each one of us. So please think of him once in a while, smile, and remember him. Remember his smile, his laughter, and his love. Know that, as he touched you, he changed you.

God Bless You All.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

I am a screw up, and I am sorry for that.

2010-09-13T18:13:00.003+03:00

Sometimes, you have to apologize, and this is one of those times.

Yesterday, was my baby girls birthday, and I forgot her! For that, I am truly sorry. you are my love, my fiance', and you deserve better. I know it's the things that I forget, and I know they hurt you, and I would never do that on purpose.

You are my babygirl. You are my love. You are my fiance', and I miss you soooo much. I can't even believe I forgot, but I did, and that's all that counts. I hope you can forgive me one day.

I can't wait to see you, hold you, love you and kiss you alllll over.

I know it may not mean much right now... but Happy Birthday My Love. I love you, and I *am* sorry.

Your Love Always,
-Bouncer-

How do I love thee...

2010-09-08T14:33:00.003+03:00

Let me count the ways...

Your tenderness,
Your toughness,
The way you kiss my boo-boos, and let me kiss yours.
The way you act like a little girl sometimes, but are always all woman.

Your kindness,
Your fierceness,
The way you hide in my chest, and then go act like a tiger defending her cubs.

You came into my life like a whirlwind, blowing out the dust and debris from my heart, and filled it with a howling song of love and emotion.

You stay with me every day, and every night without fail. You love me completely, so much it hurts sometimes. And you never stop loving.

I am truly blessed to have you in my life. My love.

Yours.

Iraq the Vote!

2010-05-08T15:12:00.002+03:00

I've met lots of folks, been here for their entire tour, and then watched them leave. It gets old after a while. You stop making friends with people until they've been here awhile or until someone else introduces you to them. Why invest the energy in someone who's going to be gone in sixty days. Not even worth the time to learn your name. That's the feeling. It creeps over you, and then it becomes part of you and the way you deal with people, which makes people think you're a standoffish jerk. And maybe you are. But you don't care what they think anyways cause they're gone in sixty days and screw them. They'll go home to claim how tough it was "Out in Iraq" and probably never speak one word to an Iraqi their entire time here.

We had an election here. It was close, but the current PM is almost certainly out. Government here uses the parlimentary system, and so the current PM's party, although they lost the majority, is probably going to partner with another party of hard core religious Shia to make a majority in order to keep the secular, tolerant candidates at bay. Yeah, cause that's the path to peace and stability and prospertiy right there. Let's sideline the middle of the road people and act like intolerant violent dicks to people who have rockets, mortars and suicide bombs and no jobs or hope and nothign to live for!! That is so totally going to work out better this time than it did in 2005!

It looks like we might be about to end up with a Shia religious dominated government, with the pretty much guaranteed sectarian war breaking out again. So, the body count will go through the roof, we'll take lots of mortar and rockets from both sides, and a lot of the paper pushing namby-pambys who have nothing better to do then put up speed signs and act like fifty year old frat boys will run right the hell out of here. Of course, the "Danger-Lite" crowd which includes most of the attractive women, will also beat feet.

Weirdly enough, I sometimes almost welcome it. Not the death or mayhem, or what it's going to do to the conutry. I don't welcome that at all. But I would welcome back the sense of shared purpose that used to exist here. Everybody had it tough. Everybody had to cope, and we didn't have EEO counselors coming to tell us all to try to speak using gender neutral language (whatever the hell THAT is). We were on the same team and you didn't sweat the small stuff.

It'd be nice to get back to that sense of shared hardship/danger/whathaveyou. So people can get focus on what's important, and what isn't.

-B-

Moving On Up.. To The East Side...

2010-05-08T14:54:00.004+03:00

So, I pulled the trigger and gave notice to my employers that I'm moving on to a different contract. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm okay with the move, I just feel lethargic lately, and I'm not sure why.

I'm "excited" about moving on to something else, "excited" about the increase in pay. And yet.. I'm just bleh about almost everything, even the things I like and want to do.

A friend of mine a while ago said "You hit a wall, and every day after that, you just don't want to be here." And that's where I am now I think, and it's partially why I took the offer. I think I am trying to fight being burned out on this place.

I have an opportunity to move to different tasking, and even to a different part of the country at some point, and I think I need to do that just to get out of the sameness. Like a dog needs to just shake it's coat once in a while to shake out the dust and debris. Over three years in Baghdad, about twice as long as my original plan, and I wonder about becoming institutionalized. Weeks roll by sometimes without me noticing. I think I need to shake it out.

-B-

Last Man Standing...

2010-01-24T09:02:00.003+03:00

Just musing on the past a bit this morning. I am now the last man here in Baghdad from the team that moved operations from one location to another with zero downtime. I mean, we're talking 1500 users, lots of servers and lots of network support infrastructure. No mean feat to be taken on in the USA. But to do it in the middle of a warzone, well, let's just say we're talking lots of tricks and no small amount of on the fly engineering along with judicious use of spit and ducttape. I honestly think we earned the right to use the A-Team theme from this one. I love it, when a plan comes together.

It's kinda weird knowing that I am the senior man on site in terms of length of service though, as I had no intention of ever being *that* crusty old dude. And yet here I am, bent back, wobbly knees, cane and all. More or less.

I came to Baghdad with a plan, one year, maybe 18 months at the most. Make my goals, and then out. Now I've been here nearly double that, and I still haven't made my goals, in fact, sometimes I feel like I am starting all over again.

I won't get into why, it's definately as much my fault as anyone elses. Thing is, it can be depressing to feel like you have done three years or so in a place and really, haven't moved forward very much at all. Like you've wasted part of your life, spinning your wheels in gravel for too long; it's no longer cool, it just looks foolish.

In fact, I have learned the lesson of Sisyphus, whom the Gods had condemned to roll a rock up a hill. When he got right near the top the weight of the rock rolled back over him, and down the hill. And so he has to get up, dust himself off, go back, and start all over again. The punishment you see, is the feeling of futility and the knowledge of hopeless labor. And damn, that's how it feels sometimes. Forever and ever. Never raching the goal. And stuck in a place that more and more I don't really want to be.

The people are still good and that is what keeps me here I suppose. But as someone I respect said a while ago.. once you hit that wall, you just don't want to be here. More and more I feel like I have hit that wall. I don't want to be here. But I have that rock to push up that hill.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

It takes a Villa...

2010-01-22T05:30:00.002+03:00

So I went on R&R back in October of 09, and headed down to St.Maarten. I call it St. Maarten because that's the Dutch side. The French side of the island is St. Martin. And frankly, St. Maarten just somehow sounds more exotic, or something. Say it now, "Saint Mahhh-ten". See? See how it sounds sexier? Anyways, I looked around for a bunch of places to stay, and ended up doing something I've never done before. I rented a Villa. Someones vacation home. A real one.

And here's what I learned, good and bad.

The bad: You have to make your own bed, and there's no room service.
The good: Everything else.

Seriously. The place we stayed was about 140 a night for 7 nights, or less than half the cost of a decent hotel. And it was probably 800sq ft, at least. NOT including the sun decks, the private pool (seen in pic above), the private landscaped entry garden, the free internet, the free cable/sat TV, free local calls, free private parking, gated community etc etc.

We had our own real kitchen with a full size stove and fridge and washer dryer and a huge bedroom, with ceiling fans galore, a high ceilinged living/family room, two bathrooms with showers, one of which had multiple showerheads, private pool service, maid service, landscaping service and so on. More windows than you can shake a stick at. You could easily light up the whole house during the day with just the windows!

Basically a true house, on the side of a hill, overlooking Oyster Pond and a couple of resorts on the Dutch/East side of the Island.

I mean, consider the advantages: You have a real home base without much risk of things getting stolen (and yes there was even a safe for jewlery and the like), you get up in the morning, turn the coffeepot on and have some cereal or some eggs and throw the dishes in the dishwasher before you head out. You are out and about during the day exploring the Island or snorkling, wave riding, whatever, you come home near dusk to YOUR HOME, picking up some french bread, wine and soft cheeses/sausages on the way, chill out for a few hours on the deck or cooling off in the pool, and head out for dinner.

Honestly, if I can afford it, I will be doing the villa thing as much as I can from now on. More space, a better/quieter/more relaxed atmosphere, no hoteliness with strange noises coming from other rooms or the clunky ice machine/elevator next door and impersonal service. The maid, gardner and pool guy all know YOUR name, and are very nice people to boot.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Problems I don't mind, or my friends at the IRS

2009-06-04T16:06:00.002+03:00

So I went on R&R a while back, and had my tax man do my taxes. As an expat in a warzone, I find it a tad easier to let a professional sort everything out, rather than deal with it myself.

Anywhoo, time passed, and I got my state refund, but not my federal.. odd... more time passes because I am used to the pace of Federal Govt operations... some spiders made webs, had kids, retired to florida, puttered around the yard for a bit, and then passed away... and finally I decided to contact my tax guy to see what the dealio was.

Well they checked and got back an ominious message:

"We can tell you nothing. Have him call us with this code at this extension."

An ominious message from my dentist is distressing. One from the IRS is heart attack inducing. I have a healthy paranoia when it comes to people who can, by *accident* seize everything I've ever owned or ever will own, much less if they do so on purpose. AND they are federal gov't employees. Which, basically, means I've got the DMV in charge of whether I go to jail for some random violation I had no idea existed. So yeah, I'd rather be legally so far off their radar that I might as well be on the moon. Which is why I don't play games. I take no deductions. None. I pay them a ton up front, but I get it all back, and I don't go to jail and lose everything I own in the process.

Now, I'm sure if I were one of those people who excel spreadsheet their twinkie consumption I could do something that might make me a few extra dollars a year by taking 900 deductions and investing wisely and paying them at the end of the year and keeping the difference. "Oh look I made 87 cents off of all that. Which is taxable next year. woo." In other words, blah-blah-blah I don't care. I'd screw it up and go to jail. So I don't bother.

So. The IRS. Wants to talk. To me.

Can I just go jogging down Route Irish dressed in a thong and a rebel flag t-shirt while tossing bibles out to folks instead? Please? No? Sigh...

So I call. And get put on hold.

Now, most agencies and many companies have hold music, and sure enough, it lets you know that your phone call hasn't dropped and that makes sense. Sometimes it's even toe-tapping, though I have yet to hear Stevie Ray Vaughn or AC/DC on hold music yet. Anyways, it's the IRS. I'm calling from Baghdad and I'm on hold. The music?

The Nutcracker Suite.

(blink)

... (blink blink)

I couldn't make that up! Why not have "Momma said knock you out!" while they're at it? There has *got* to be some twisted sense of humor over there. I mean, seriously. You call the IRS and get to listen to The Nutcracker Suite? What. The. HELL!?!?! That cannot be an accident. It can't. It's just a subtle warning is what it is. Sort of a "You're next. Please hold for your executioner, make sure not to bleed all over the floor, we wouldn't want an unsafe workplace, now would we" Said in a perfectly calm, reasonable voice that makes you want to drop the phone and run screaming into the hills.

So. I am finally speaking with a real live human, who informs me that basically, they owe me too much money.

"I'm sorry, WHAT?" Yeah, that's what I thought too when he said it.

"Go on, drop the other shoe." It's okay, that was my next thought too. But it turns out... they owe me too much money. I know! Stop sputtering! Here's the deal. I set up direct deposit for my refunds, no big deal. And I pay all my taxes up front too, remember that part from earlier? So I get larger refunds, remember?

It turns out, the IRS doesn't do direct deposit over a certain amount, so they want to mail me a paper check, which they did. To my home of record. In the states. Where the Post Office promptly returned it from. Since there is apparently no way the US Post Office will forward a gov't check to a different address. In a different country.

So they have my money in an account, waiting for me. On my next R&R I need to call before I leave so they can send the check again, because it takes 3 to 6 weeks for them to process it. I then have to get the Post Office to hold my mail for pickup while I am home. Then I have to pick up and then deposit the check. Which will probably trigger a red flag with some anti-terror funding something or the other and the FBI will want to know where I suddenly got this money from and have I declared it with the IRS and do you speak cuban/spanish Mr. Guantanamo bound??!?!

Still. The Nutcracker Suite. Out of all the non-descript muzak in the world you selected that? Really?

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Rollin' rollin' rollin'.. rawhide!

2008-11-22T16:04:00.002+03:00

Welp, heading out on R&R. Man it feels good to start shaking the dust off physically, mentally and emotionally. I cannot wait to see my family, my friends, and of course, my girl!

I missed both Thanksgiving and Christmas last year because of this place, and resolved never to miss both because of work again. So I picked Thanksgiving, and fought hard for an R&R when a lot of others were getting cancelled. To me though, it was never a question of whether I would be coming home for turkeyday. Only a question of whether it would be a round trip or not.

The job continues on, as it always does. So much to do, this place will never really be static. No place is, of course, but this place.. new projects always seem to start before old projects start winding down. The pace is hectic and frustrating and builds up a lot of stress in you over time.

Still, I am at the way station on my way out of country, and I can't wait to begin the rest of the journey!

I am coming home. I love my girl, my family and my friends, and I cannot wait to see them all.

Oh yeah, taking the girl on a Carribean cruise while I'm home, so there's that, too! Going from total do it yourself to toal pampering is gonna weird me out a bit at first I think. However, I will struggle to endure the deep tissue massages and cocktails with little umbrellas and walks on the beach with my love. I will soldier on!

Regards,
-Bouncer-

It's been a while

2008-10-04T14:05:00.002+03:00

It's been a while, hasn't it? Been a very long, very hot summer which is finally coming to a close. It feels like I spent the entire month of August and most of September with my head down, just trying to endure.

I don't mean to whine, I know many others have it tougher. Still, it's just an experience you have to live through, there's really no way words can do it justice. High stress and high temps make for a zombie like existence where you just keep walking along slowly with no destination in sight. Just keep moving baby, keep on moving.

But the weather, has turned. It is cooler now, in the mid-90's during the day and into the mid 80's at night. And once again, it feels like light jacket weather when it's below 92F or so. Which is, again, weird. It's just not ..right. The leaves on the trees are turning and drifting down onto the armored vehicles. Which is weird, because it's still 94F and yet the tree has decided it's autumn. I wonder how it'd react to 50F in the States. Probably drop all it's leaves at once. Fwoosh! Like that.

And the girl and I are toughing it out. It's not easy on either of us, the seperation. Still, I'll be home for an R&R soon enough, and I keep myself busy with thoughts of that, so that I don't get all depressed all the time.

And I turned 40 while over here. That, was.. feh. 4-0. Officially old n' stuff. But I don't feel it, anyone who knows me will tell you I don't act it, and I don't want to be it. So I'm not going to be. So nyah. Still, it was nice, they had a mini-party for me and a there was cake and stuff, plus, my family sent me cards and my girl sent me an awesome hand made birthday card. That's why I love her. One of the many reasons, actually. I mean, does YOUR girl MAKE you a birthday card? No? Ha! Sucks to be you! :p My girl rocks!. Nuff' said.

I was taking the mini-bus into work today, and I saw a very odd thing. They use bomb sniffing dogs out here, and they transport them in dog carriers on trailers attached to the back of vehicles. So we're pulling out of a compound, and this vhicle with dog trailer goes by, and it's being chased by four local/wild dogs. It was like a dog race or something straight down the middle of the four lane road. It's just another moment around here that makes you shake your head or rub your eyes to see if you're really seeing what you think you're seeing.

I am happy the weather is turning though. Finally. It makes everything easier. Still cannot WAIT to get out of here for R&R though. Cannot wait to see my girl, and my family, and my friends. Cannot come soon enough. I'll try to write a little more often now that I'm leaving the zombie zone.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Choo-Choo, and McLobster, Eh?

2008-07-27T20:16:00.004+03:00

So vacation is over, and I'm on my way back in country. Sucks. For a couple of reasons. First is, of course, I'm away from my girl and that's no fun at all. Thing is, for a long time it's just been me, so travel was easy. It's not easy anymore. I miss my girl lots already, and I doubt it's going to get any easier anytime soon.

I don't care if I sound mushy. Bite me.

Second, this is the second real vacation I've had in the last ten years or so. Went by WAY too fast. I tried to pack a lot in, but that meant I spent a lot of time in airports and on planes.

Part of my vacation I spent on a sleeper train from Montreal, Quebec to Halifax, Nova Scotia. Amazing way to see the countrysideand travel. Everyone is so nice and relaxed and the scenery changes every second. There was a small delay leaving the station because of the engine car, but that just meant the champagne toast became about four champagne toasts. Sweeet! Later they had a wine tasting and of course snacks and coffee available all the time. Food was actually quite good. Preparred off the train, and then steamed and served piping hot.

We had the "Romance by Rail" package where they take two rooms and remove the wall and turn it into one bigger cabin with a full bed and your own attendant etc. Really amazing, like having a small suite on a private train. I'm really thinking about doing another overnight sleeper car in November, maybe through the Canadian Rockies. That would probably be very nice.

Montreal was very nice, though we weren't there long, the train took us pretty far north into New Brunswick and then down into Nova Scotia. Amazing lakes and rivers and neat small towns dot the way. Every five minutes I was saying "I want to build my house right there! Ooo.. no there! ..I mean there! Oooo!" The scenery is that nice and the people very nice.

Brad, the nice but flamboyant ahh.. gay gentleman, kept batting his eyes at me, or so the girlfriend says. I don't swing that way, but hey, a compliment is a compliment! Heh.

Halifax was very very nice. The Lord Nelson Hotel where we stayed was very comfortable and well located near shops and a short taxi ride from the waterfront. We did some touristy stuff including visiting the Citadel and the Titanic graveyard. We also just wandered around a bit and enjoyed the city. It's not a typical destination in my mind at least, but it was a lot of fun nonetheless. Also, they have so much lobster up there that McDonalds has a McLobster sandwich (I'm not kidding). I don't know of anyplace else in the world you can go order a McLobster.

Anyways, all in all it was a great trip. On my way back just before I left to come back to Iraq I was able to have lunch with the guys I used to work with and that's always a good time.

Welp time to catch another plane. Seeya!

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Island Living

2008-07-15T09:56:00.002+03:00

This is a picture. From an Island. In the Mediterrainian. It was fun, but expensive, and I hope to visit it again someday, or somewhere nearby. It's funny, but it took me back to that time in my life where I lived by working at nightclubs, and while it'd be interesting to to do so again, the truth is, staying sober while everyone else gets drunk and/or stupid is a wearing kind of life.

So I'm pretty much past that now. I'll still go out, I'll still have fun, but the running around like a lunatic is not something I think I'll miss.

Now on to the next leg of my R&R!

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Hola from Madrid!

2008-07-11T14:11:00.004+03:00

Passing through Madrid to R&R spot #1.

There's a small group of young guys near me strumming away on a guitar and taking turns at being the wanna-be soulful crooner.

Part of me is really amused and wonders if we looked that fake and stupid and media made up when we were in our late teens trying to make time with girls. Part of me wishes they'd shut up. Heh.

Like a singer I grew up with sang once: "Have you heard about the new fashion honey? All you need is looks, and a whole lotta money."

It's just another generation, which makes me realize that I'm growing a little older, a little more amused at the world and the people in it, and yet, a little sad that I'm past the point of being a fashionista wanna be Blink 182 type (or whatever). Okay.. mostly.

Still, the trade off is worth it. What was it that was said? Oh yeah. "Youth is wasted on the young." I get that comment a little bit more now than I used to. Wonder how I'll feel in 20 more years.

So good luck to you young crooners out there. Here's hoping your angsty guitar strumming will pull you some girls... though I kinda doubt it. Time to catch ANOTHER flight! ...yay. :/

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Ten Mile Block Party

2008-07-11T00:55:00.003+03:00

In Amman, heading out for R&R.

I won't bother commenting on the trip except to say it's been long and hot so far, two days going and not even on vacation yet!

As I was driving out to Queen Alia Airport from the hotel, I noticed all these families on the side of the road having open fire cook outs. Now, I'm talking like 10-20ft off a major highway. And they had horses out, and camels, and kids running around, and old folks too. Mile after mile of them.

Thursday is their friday night you see, and it is Thursday, so out comes the firewood, the blankets, the plastic chairs and hookahs, and off the family goes for a cookout 20ft from traffic. I'm not down on it, it's just unusual to see, and would give any State Trooper in the US absolute fits for obvious reasons. But it's not actually a bad tradition either.. a family cookout over an open fire at the end of a week... as opposed to our 9000.00 barbeque "systems" and outdoor surround sound mosquito netted indoor-outdoor AC'd version of the same thing. There's something more pure about the way they do it, even if one decent crash can take out five entire families at once.

I do wonder though, if they come back to roughly the same spot each time, and if so, do they run into the same families over and over. Or is it more a random thing. Even though they stay in discrete groups, there's simply no way for them to avoid overhearing each others laughter, and in a way, I suppose that may be a good thing too. Building a sense of larger-tribeness, if you will. It's funny also, how obviously old traditions get updated and adapted over time.

Anyways I'm off on R&R and hopefully won't need bail money! :D

Regards,
-Bouncer-

The Tao of TicketyBoo

2008-07-01T08:40:00.002+03:00

It's not a made up word! It is, a state of being. At least according to my co-worker from Australia or New Zealand or one of those other upside down countries. Anyways, TicketyBoo is simply "Smooth Sailing".. It is "No worries". It is that state where the troubles of others do not affect you, like being a professional surf bum. Surf bums, are ticketyboo. But I digress...

I leave in a little while for my second R&R and I cannot wait. I have an action packed schedule with destinations in Germany, Spain, Canada and Jordan. And, of course, the USA. Mostly though, I can't wait to see my girl. That's another thing that has changed in my life. After being alone for a long time, I have someone, a great great great someone, in my life. And I cannot wait to see her.

Also, I've moved in to the NEC. The aprtments are a bit like a businessmans hotel, and where there had been a living room there is now a second bedroom. Really, I cannot complain. I have a real kitchen, and a bathroom with a tub! A tub! I haven't seen a tub in this country in over a year. I've gotten so used to showering in a little stall that I tend to wander around the bathtub a bit. I can turn, I can move, ...I can.. dannnce! Okay maybe not dancing. The tubs are made out of slick plastic (wise choice that one) and there's always the potential of a bannana peel type incident. And I really do not want to be evac'd out of country due to a "bathroom incident". It just sounds wrong. Gunshot (minor) or Shrapnel (minor) or even some sort of industrial accident (minor) okay.. but breaking your leg in a tub? In Iraq? Not cool, and no way to make it cool, ever.

The nicest thing about the apt's isn't the hardened structures or MWR facilities or laundry or even the bathroom. The nicest thing is the filtered air. The buildings are sealed, and have gian HEPA filter systems on them. You can actually feel the difference when you go inside in how it is easier to breathe and there is no dust. This is especially true with all the sand/dust storms we've been having lately. You sleep easier, it's quieter, and you don't wake up coughing/hacking in the middle of the night or with a pound of dust clogging up your nose in the morning. It's impressive how that changes your whole day.

Work is work, my gov't guy is on the downhill slope towards departure, and it shows. He's not a bad guy, but like all the gov't folks they reach a point where they are in "countdown" mode, and when that happens, their level of micromanaging or project implementation decreases exponentially. Which is, actually, not a bad thing. I get to do more of my own work, and I don't have to answer up to every stray-thought that becomes a project. So the 14 projects I'm already working on actually seem to move forward from time to time.

And in just a few more days I leave for R&R. I am, at least at the moment, ticketyboo.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

"So, so you think you can tell...

2008-05-29T08:45:00.003+03:00

Heaven from Hell..." is the beginning of the song "Wish You Were Here" by Roger Waters. A few nights ago, I sat on a deck somewhere in Baghdad, looking out over swaying palm trees lit up by sodium lights, while someone played it on acoustic guitar and sang.

You get moments like that here. Movie moments. As if some interlude or background music from a movie was playing in your real life. Or maybe we're all up on a big screen somewhere.

It's been pretty much exactly 30 days since my last post. I know I've been slacking and will try and be better about it. To be fair though, I've been racking up some 80+ hour weeks lately, and after that, you pretty much just want to go face down in your pillow. I'm getting ready to move into new quarters, and am anticipating that. It's not that I hate where I live, it's just that the opportunity to only have to share my bathroom with one other person, as opposed to three other people, plus shared accesss to a kitchen means I can actually cook (or at least microwave) my own food if I want. I have nothing against the DFAC food, but it's been a year, and I'd just like to microwave a pizza once in a while. Not to mention the full size bed (as opposed to a single) and a lockable private bedroom. Yeah, it's definately a step up.

Of course there are some DoS people who are upset that they have to (gasp!) actually have a roomate! I mean, my god! Who let these dirty unwashed contractors stay amongst them! Oooo! You have no idea how much that attitude (which I do run into from time to time) chaps my ass. I've nothing against DoS and many of their people are fine, hardworking individuals who deal with being out here with aplomb, whether in Baghdad or wayyyyyy out in the countryside in some tiny Army base. They take the good and the bad, and keep on rolling with the job. They are a cedit to their Agency, and their country. But we also have some Princes and Princesses, and I just want to slap them upside the head.

Can you imagine the imapct on US Military and DoS operations if every contractor in country took 48hrs off on strike? Their operations would come to a near standstill and they'd all be wandering around as if someone had just transported them to a future post-apocolyptic time. "Wh-wh-what do you mean the email is down and the contractors won't f-f-fix it?!?!?!!?" "Why is the DFAC closed? I NEED MY JAMOCA MILKSHAKE!!!"

The Military would fair marginally better, but they'd still be eating MRE's, not showering and not doing maintnance on equipment with no mail, MWR, internet, phones electricity, water etc etc etc. DoS would pretty much completely collapse in the space of five hours or so.

If I'm important enough to your job that you simply cannnot do it without me, then sparky, I am AT LEAST your equal. However, the truth is that if you were to dissappear tomorrow no one would notice for days if not weeks because you sit in meetings and type up what people say. If I dissappear I guarantee you there'd be an APB out for me in the space of three hours, tops. I'm not strutting, I'm trying to make a point that many in DoS and the Military seem to forget. Contractors do more than feed, house and clothe you. They allow you to concentrate on your core job, and they do this not just for you, but for many others at the same time. Every laundry person or telco engineer is allowing all of the rest of you to do your jobs more effectively. Without them, you're hosed. When you think of it that way, you realize that the contractor is AT LEAST as important as any one Diplomat or Soldier, and probably more important to the group than most individual diplomats or soldiers.

All of which is a long winded way of saying: I support two-thousand people. You support you and your boss. If we both take tomorrow off, whose absence will be more noticeable to the group? Now get used to having a roommate and suck it up. If you think it's rough here, you ought to try a month in a tent with no AC in Al-Anbar in May. You'll get the point by day two. Maybe then, you really WILL be able to tell, Heaven from Hell.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

It's raining poop!...Halelujah!

2008-04-29T22:19:00.003+03:00

It is raining tonight as I write this. It is like mud is falling from the sky in little mudlets, and covering everything with a sort of light poo-brown.

And it's a good thing. Keeps the badguys indoors too, and keeps them from shooting rockets and mortars at us. Which,over the last thee days or so,they've done, ohhh..about50 times. By far the worst was two days ago. First was the dust/sand storm that took visibility to about 50ft. For real. Like you could see BRAKE LIGHTS at 50 ft. Not people, or cars, or say buildings, but brake lights. It was a "tad dusty", as they say in the UK where the rate a CAT 5 hurricane as a "Tad Blustery".

So anyways I am sloooowly driving back from another compound and came to a stop as I'm about to go through a vehicle search point. I'm in an armored car and am bopping along to the British armed Forces radio (What IS with all the trance/house music, anyways?) and all of asudden I see the guards all scattering.

Hrmm... Guards... scattering... hrmm... putting on flak vests and fleeing where I am... hrmmm

Here's a tip: When in Iraq, if you see the guards scattering, it's about to get nasty. I realize that one electroni tone I'mhearing is not actually coming from the Brit House music, but from All. Around. Me. The incomming alarm is sounding really loudly, apparently. Itonly does that when whateveris about to happen is goingto happen near you. So Ijump out of the vehicle and hear:

ZshhhingCRACKBOOOOOM!

I believe my thoughts were: "My word, that mortar sounded a tad close. Perhaps I should move rather smartly to get out of the open and join those fellows over in the bunker nearby."

However, later analysis from video tape makes it appear that what came out of my mouth was "hubbagubbuhUhAIEEEEE!EEEEEEEE!!!" And then I proceeded to hop around like a damn fool for a few seconds before running into the bunker. Where I proceeded to stay for the next 45 mins as the rockets and mortars impacted.

I think I asked my bunkermates if anyone minded if I smoked, but then thought that since two of them were already, no one was saying anything about it, and I was probably as large if not bigger than anyone who might object.. it was really a moot point,now wasn't it? I mean really. I decided I would have a cigarette and you anti-smoke nazi's can go get some fresh air in the MIDLE OF A GIANT ASS DUST STORM WHILE THINGS AR E'SPLODING ALL AROUND US!

In other words, I'm having a cig, and you can't make me not.

Yeterday and today were better, and right now, it's raining poop. Halelujah. Because with the wind up and the mud from the sky, it's just not weather conducive to rocket and mortar fire. So halelujah, bring on the sky mud.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Guess who's back, back again..

2008-04-11T18:27:00.002+03:00

Back in Iraq, start work tomorrow. Bleh. Have a slightly hurt back, a bit of a cough, and I miss the USA and everyone there. Like I said, bleh. I'me sure I get back into the swing of things soon enough.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Weeee!!!!

2008-03-21T11:27:00.002+03:00

Tilt the monitor until the horizon is level. :D

Yeah, that's flying with Blackwater on my way out of country for my first R&R in a while. Going to visit family, friends, and of course my tax guy! GIMMEH MY MONEHS!!!

If this post seems giddy it's because I've been up a while, am halfway home, and am feeling the stress melt away. More later, but for now, I'm just getting melloooowwww...

Regards,
-Bouncer-

I had a good day the other day...

2008-03-07T17:33:00.001+03:00

So I went out into the redzone the other day, and that's not what made it a good day. I went to an Iraqi neighboorhood with no PSD or armored vehicle, and that's not what made it a good day either. I helped the Iraqis set up some wireless networks (On my own time) in a boys and then a girls school. It was nice to just donate my skills to help kids a little bit, and just seeing kids was a treat. And that really is what made it a good day.

See, I live in a kid free zone, no little people at all anywhere nearby, so seeing them just playing soccer or giggling at the giant American dude was cool, though I felt like I must've been covered with fine green hair only they could see judging by the peeking around corners an giggling in the girls school. But then again, I may be the first American they've ever seen in person with out ACUs and a bigass gun and terminator sunglasses.
(These kids were probably between 11 and 14, though I saw a few as young as five or six who mostly just stared at me like :O <--- that)

It was a good day, because I got to see kids being kids. I dunno, I can't even explain it that well, I never realized how that simple thing can lift your heart. I must be getting old or something.

I was actually a bit concerned about their safety because of my presence, so I can't make this a regular or predictable thing. :(

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Flour Power

2008-02-19T22:02:00.005+03:00

First sand/dust storm of the season today. The air looks like fog, but there's no moisture, and you can feel the grit on your teeth. Bleh. Really,if youcome out here, youneed to bring eyedrops, since this stuff makes it harder to breathe, causes your nose to run, and most damaging, your eyelids to get sticky. Eyedrops are a must.

I've sort of been waiting for this though. late winter here you tend to see higher winds, and with no moisture, first thing off the ground is the powdery moondust like stuff we are all surrounded by. It's worse outside of the cities, of course, but in any case, after this, it'll be sand, and we'll all look like bankrobbers with our bandannas and shmeghs, and so on.

The bureaucrats will look like high end bank robbers, as they scurry back and forth trying to keep their blue suits blue. The Iraqis, being more pragmatic, will wear olive or light brown suits, since neither of those show the dirt/dust as much.

We could learn something from that, but we won't.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Bureaucracy and Booms

2008-02-19T09:16:00.004+03:00

We need more booms.

I know the first reaction is "WHAT!???! Has that pebble sized brain of yours fallen out through your left ear?!?!" But hear me out, before you toss me in the nuthouse.

We need more booms. To remind people of what this place is, and why they need to shelve the bureaucratic BS. As the gunfire and bombings have decreased, the number of people wearing suits and ties or skirts and blouses has also increased. And following like an evil monkey, the amount of unnecessary bull has skyrocketed, so to speak. All of a sudden it's about the color of the napkin, rather than being satisfied they have a napkin at all. It's about image, not substance. This isn't really a problem at the top of the food chain, because they have enough issues to keep them occupied forever and a day. But the middle management people are now starting to whine about insignificant issues, like not having blackberry messaging in Iraq, when the fact that they have any cellphone access at all is a miracle being held together by gum and ducttape, they just don't realize it. Recently, they've come up with stuff like "Team Building" exercises. Hello, I'm in IRAQ. I'm pretty damn sure I know what it's like to work on a "team". Stop trying to treat this place as if it were your last post in the Bahamas or wherever where you had to dream up make work projects just to have something to do. We have PLENTY to do without these make work ER trophies just keeping things running.

We need more booms. So the lack of blackberry isn't seen as the end of civilization as we know it. So they are reminded this is a WARZONE, and they can NOT expect things to function as they would in Washington DC.

It doesn't help that right now is when the DoS people go through the employee reviews, and so they are all already wound as tight as a spring. So they vent at us, the contractors, and they come up with make work projects, and generally are an even larger than usual PITA.

We need more booms.

So I can get back to work on serious stuff, and not have to deal with the bush league wanna-bes trying to show how important they are.

Regards,
-Bouncer-
PS: I don't want ANYONE, Iraqi or American to get hurt, but I want people to be reminded of what is important, and really, what is not.

On the Bedpost

2008-02-15T23:54:00.004+03:00

So it's been awhile since a post. This has been for multiple reasons. Among others, sometimes it IS just a grindout here. Day after day, week after week the time slips by. We do get the occaisional visit from a movie star, like Angelina Jolie. She seems nice enough, though I think the security guys re-enacted a scene from some wrestling cage match deciding who go to work on her detail, or so I undertand.Funny how guys who are Alpha Male shoot-to-kill down and dirty dangerous types get all starry eyed. Fun fact: she's not as tall as you might think. Big head, small body. Anyways, something WAY more interesting happened to me today.

I got a rightside up bed!

Okay, that may not make a lot of sense to you, but bear with me. Hopefully it shall become clear. I live in a space which is about 10X8. Not, a lot of room, especially considering that much of it is wasted elevated space since we have no shelving. So storage space is at a premium. Anyways, a lot of folks turn their bed frames upside down. Why? Because the headboard is about 24 inches high.This means, that when flipped upside down, there'sa nice sized space underneath for storage of footlockers, luggage, and so on. Normally the beds are about 8in off the ground, and you just can't get enough underneath, much less the military style plastic footlockers (USPS Approved!), which is what most of us send our stuff over in.

And that's what I've been doing. Well it ALSO turns out, that if you have the right contacts, you can get bed risers. These are bassically solid wood blocks with indentationsin the top so you can rest your bed legs in them. This allows you to put you bed rightside up, and still elevate it enought to get the footlockers under. Brilliant.

And today I got mine. And now my bed sits a comfortable distance off the ground, I have storage underneath it, and I don't have to climb up into it. Understand that even as I'm over 6ft, when upside down AND with mattress the bed is approximately 30in or so off the ground, which puts it at about hip height. Meaning you have to stort of climb up into it.

NOT ANY MORE! Tonight, I sleep closer to the ground, in a bad as god intended it!

And so it goes. You bet your sweet rear that it's a big deal.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

2008-02-01T15:31:00.000+03:00

Looks like an ad almost, doesn't it?

More later, I just wanted to prove I actually acquired some very very very good bourbon in the middle of Iraq, of all places.

Oh, also notice the biodegradable sand bags... yeah, they're biodegrading on top of us. Fun!

Regards,
-Bouncer-

The Mudding

2008-01-23T07:51:00.000+03:00

Today marks the first Official Day of the Mudding Season here in Baghdad.

It is today, because A) It rained all night. B) The puddles are already forming C) It's raining now and D) Because I Said So.

You have to understand that the land is flat, like a pancake, so there's not much drainage. You also have to understand that the land is hardbaked desert under a few inches of relatively light/loose soil. All of this means that the water goes and sits in these slushie/cement mud puddles that wait to bond to your clothing in crusty bits and pieces and will actually pull the shoes right off your feet if you're not careful.

Plus, going from that into a marble floored palace where everyone is tracking in watery mud pretty much guarantees that you will learn how to skate, or you will learn how to crawl to work, because it's going to be like a big ice rink. YAY!

Anyways, it's mud season here. And I hate Bank of America and Playboy.

A bit of a smooth segue, eh?

First, I have been trying to cancel my BofA credit account for at least a month. Being out here, from time to time you miss a payment notice or are someplace where you can't access email/internet. In any case, I was 3 days late on a payment (I usually keep my balance at 0 to 100.00 or so and pay off every month). And they immediately jacked my interest rate to 36%.

Yeah, time to cancel that stupidity once and for all. I not only covered my debts completely, I made sure to send them 100.00 to make sure any interest was covered. And they sent me a 100 dollar refund check when I "closed" my account.

Only yesterday I got a bill for 1.60 finance charge. and they tell me my credit line is still open. What part of CANCEL THE ACCOUNT AND CLOSE THE CREDIT LINE is NOT sinking into these people's brains? What do I have to do to get them to actually ERASE/DELETE/KILL/OBLITERATE my account from their records?

I am actually going to find a lawyer and speak to one about this, becauuse frankly, I am tired of the incessant bull. I am sure that even if I pay this charge, they will add interest on THAT, and I'll be paying ever decreasing bills from them until I go batshit crazy or find a way to send them 1/18th of a penny so they will just leave me alone and kill the account.

You know, it makes me wonder if there is a niche market for someone who knows the process to make 10 dollars an account to send whatever legal form letters required them to actually honor your wishes and close/shutdown an account when you tell them to. I'd pay it just to make the madness stop once and for all. It's basically a form of harassment at this point.

As to Playboy, I don't really hate them. However, they need to understand that A)I've never subscribed, B) Will never subscribe and C) Even if I wanted to subscribe, cannot do so via the APO system in a MUSLIM COUNTRY WHERE THEY GET ALL FROWNY FACED ABOUT THE NAKED WOMEN! Sigh..

First, without me asking, they "gave" me a "free" subscription. Then they billed me for it. Since I never subscribed, never received anything and never had any intention of doing either, I ignored it. They then sold this 15 dollar "bill" to a collection agency. Who sent me a nice letter.

So now, I have two large companies I need to talk to a lawyer about suing over their issues. The debt collector I'm just going to inform (nicely) of the facts, and ask them for a copy of my subscription form with my signature. Since they cannot possibly provide any such thing, I'll inform them the debt is fraudulent (it is) I'm not paying it ever (I'm not) and if they want to go to court, please inform me so I can contact my lawyer. And I WILL be countersuing for court costs and violation of the FDCPA.

Seriously, it's 1.50 and 15.00. Who cares? Thing is, I want the credit card account and line of credit to go away permanently, and I want Playboy to stop trying to send soft core porno to a military facility in Iraq (and charging me for something I never, in my life, asked for).

And it's The First Day of Mud Season Too.

I need some coffee and cocoa.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

It snowed in Baghdad

2008-01-11T22:44:00.000+03:00

If it was possible for hell to freeze over, it just did.

Seriously though, people were so stunned by the snow that pretty much all activity in the city ceased. It didn't snow long, or hard, and it certainly didn't stick around. But there are people here, people in their 60's, 70's and 80's, who have never, in their life, seen snow.

The environmentalists will put it down as just another sign of the apocolypse. Me, I think it marks a point in Iraqi history. Whether you think of Iraqis as superstituous or not, the point is, they think of rare events ina more ..Koranish/Biblical sense.

If it snows in Baghdad, it's probabluy a message from God. The trick is tofigure out what the message means, and that's down to the Mullahs and Imams. Here's hoping they decide it means civilization and peace are good things. Things that Allah wants.

Anyways, it snowed here, for the first time in a vedry very long time. And for a little while, everyone put down their guns and stuck out their tongues. The better to taste a snowflake.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Gadgets and stuff!

2007-12-29T16:34:00.000+03:00

Thing is, I bought a bluetooth keyboard for my PDA. Odds are I'll use it rarely if ever. I know someone who bought an eReader.

We buy things out here. The volume of mail is impressive and a lot of it says Amazon.com on the side, or NewEgg, or some other gadget place. I dunno if it's because we want to feel less lonely ("Someone sent me something!"), or if we've just been trained into believing tha tacquisitions *make* us happy. And who doesn't want to be happy. Especially when living in cramped quarters with little privacy, no ability to go find space or ability to leave the compound..

You do what you need to to stay happy and balanced. So we buy things.

I know people out here with three laptops, and others who've bought 30+ inch screen LCD TVs that I have no idea how they're going to get home. I wonder if they're happier than I am.

Welp, off to shop via the internets!

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Christmas 07'

2007-12-25T09:58:00.001+03:00

So, I'm wearing the coolest shirt ever.

Oh it's cute, and it's all family oriented. Hey, it's even actualy warm.

But what it really is, is a tiny link to home on Christmas.

Still, for all I miss being home for Christmas with my family, I think it was good to miss one. Yeah, really. It's only through loss that we begin to appreciate things we take for granted. Now, I'll never be the person prepped for Christmas 45 days in advance. I have family that can swear that my usual tactic is to rush in Christmas eve with a bunch of unwrapped presents and beg for help wrapping.

So yeah, my presents usually stay wrapped about 12 hours or so.

Anywhoo, it really is absence which makes the heart grow fonder, distance that gives perspective, and time which will make the first two more bearable. I have my shirt, and my cards, and I'm not opening anything until about 11AM here, which is 3AM back in the states, and so safely Christmas.

Yeah, I'm sappy. Bite me.

Oh, before I go, one note of irony. We had a Christmas party (officially a "Holiday Gathering" in a part of the buyilding last night. I left before the Ambassador showed up, not out of disrespect, but simply because I had other places I needed to be. There was food of course, and a good jazz band, and a choir sang etc etc.

I noticed two things. The trait of women dressing up in slightly revealing clothing for Christmas "office" parties seems to be universal. Two, as you walk down an empty gallery on Christmas Eve in a Muslim Palace in Baghdad Iraq, and you hear the echoes of "Joy to the World" sung in english follow you down the marble cladded floor and walls, you can't help but think. No, really, we're not even slightly crusaders. Really.

Love to all my family and friends, and Merry Christmas to you all,
-Bouncer-

Christmas Eve 07

2007-12-24T15:21:00.000+03:00

Christmas Eve.

Trying to think of somerthing deep and meaningful to write. Got nothing. Just miss my family terribly, and am annoyed with my co-workers. Seems the gov't people like to task us with lots of makework "So you earn that overtime on Christmas!"

Listen bub.

I'm here. You're out of the country or slacking off. Which means that if those who really need service have an issue, I am available to support them. On Christmas eve. Unlike you. That, by itself, is worth the overtime. Yeah, I'm cranky on Christmas eve.

The constant music doesn't help either. It's like being forced to smile cheerfully at gunpoint. It just doesn't look real and never will. A real smile has an inner glow, not the grimace of annoyment or the rictus of fear.

Definition of irony: A Christian choir in a Palace in Baghdad Iraq, a building designed and built by Muslims, singing "Joy to the World" and other Christmas carols. As I walked down the hallway and the sounds echoed into my ears, I could not help but feel an almost existential moment. But we're not crusaders. Really. Then I went to one of the few bars in this country, and drank enough liquor to post this.

Never again. I'm not missing Thanksgiving and XMAS with my family again. That's the deep meaningful thing I got to say. They're worth way more to me than a few dollars, and that's that.

Merry Christmas to you all. Call someone you love.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

XMAS and the Best. Shirt. Ever.

2007-12-09T09:08:00.000+03:00

I got a package today, stuffed with goodies. And also jerky, and chocolate, and pistachios and a backrest and and and a shirt, which I'll keep with me pretty much forever. It's the nicest shirt I'll ever wear. And I just got dust in my eye is all so shuddup.

Thank you all so very much for all the gifts and cards. They mean quite a bit more than you think.

Leeeeeavin', on a Jet Plane...

2007-12-01T13:51:00.000+03:00

No, not me, but damn near everyone else is.

It's funny, how everyone thinks they'll all take the same flight to optimize their time home, as if no one else has the same idea. Which is how you end up with a scheduled flight out that's overbooked by 173 people. I laff at them all. Then I go cry bitter bitter tears since I don't get to be home. :(

Curiously, a couple of people I know did the very opposite thing and took their vacation between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so will be home for neither. Either they do so to avoid the mother-in-law, or for some other reasons, or simply because they realize they can have a late Thanksgiving and an early Christmas and so enjoy both.

One side benefit of flying in when pretty much everyone else is flying out is that you're King of the Plane. That is to say, you're on a C-130 with you, the crew, and pallets of stuff. Or on a Helo with just you and the crew. I've done that once, it's like having your own private aircarft. I got looks from the door gunner though when I began Princess waving and yelling (because you can't talk) for champagne and caviar. Then the man made a very rude gesture. No champagne for him! And then the helicopter went side ways and it was time to hold on.

Still, this place is slowly starting to become a bit more like a ghost town. It's no where near the peak of it, but it is interesting to see fewer and fewer people wandering around aimlessly or clip-clopping in their high heel shoes down marble corridors.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

In Living Color

2007-11-25T08:11:00.000+03:00

... So we have small hooches here in the IZ. That may change, when some or all of us move over to the New Embassy Compound (NEC) sometime next week.

....AHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Seriously, that thing is going to be occupied by Americans in about 2012. It is a mess and has about 14 different investigations into the corruption, gov't mismanagement, contractor fraud, bribes and multi-national kickbacks surrounding that shoddily constructed, inability to withstand any bad guy riflefire, tissuewall firetrap. In other words, it's a gigantic black hole of taxpayer money.

Not my issue though. My issue is that I live in a space that would irritate a claustrophibic cat. And so I come to the subject of monitors. See, the rooms come with TV's. Circa 1977 25in 500lb doorstops. You'd basically have to pay someone to steal these things. And when you live in 1/2 of a shoebox, having a refridgerator sized TV is simply no good.

And so, I am scheming. I will find some way of getting this monstrosity out of my room. And then I will have so much space! (Ha!) But still, I think I'm going to buy a projector.

My reasoning is this:
I can buy a flat screen monitor and watch TV through my PC. Sure and I can make that magic work with a 32" screen for around 600 dollars. However, when it comes time to leave or relocate to the NEC, I have to find a way to ship or transport the thing. Which means I either have to keep the packaging it came in AND trust to the gentle handling of the Army Post Office (APO) who have, in the past, managed to break ANVILS, OR, I can do something else.

I hadn't really considered projectors, until I saw the boxlight bumblebee. The thing is small, I mean really small, as in about the size of one of the old Sony tape player walkmans. Which means it's very portable, and when it's time to ship out or relocate weill easily fit in a laptop bag or whatever. It also has a variety of connections and can act both as a big screen monitor and a large screen TV. And it's relocatable around the room. AND I can get one on ebay for about the cost of a 32" LCD. OTOH I'm more likely to end up with the travelight2. It's only slightly large but has a better resolution and is HDTV capable which we'll get out here just after we move in to our new spacious rooms at the NEC. ie: Never. But still, eventually I'll be going home or going on elsewhere, and there is something to be said for having that capability somewhere down the road.

So yeah, I'm thinkin' bout it.

http://www.boxlight.com

Regards,
-Bouncer-

HAPPY TURKEYDAY!!! ..and also Thanksgiving.

2007-11-21T16:50:00.000+03:00

We tend to forget the meaning of things. Like Thanksgiving. We wrap it up in some commercialized frenzy or kids pretending to be pilgrims, and we don't have to think about anything deeper. By such distractions the day loses it's meaning. Having come over here, I tend to think that we get more of what it's really about in Iraq than many of the people in the US do. We don't have "Black Friday". We don't have school plays.

By comparison though, everyone here has something real and immediate to be giving thanks for. It may be another day of going on patrol and coming back, and having your brothers come back too. It may be for another (more or less) peaceful day here in Baghdad. It may be for being able to make some small contribution to the lives of Iraqis. Whatever it is, the point is, we all seem to have something to give thanks for over here, even as we miss our families terribly.

And curiously enough, Thanksgiving as a celebration has a deeper meaning as well. Over here, the US Gov't and the US Military go to great lengths to ensure that every US Soldier that can be reached will have real Turkey, with real dressing and real mashed potatoes or stuffing with real gravy. They will fly in tons of food for this specific and sole purpose. And while some may think of that as a wasteful thing, it absolutely is not. It is a righteous use of our resources to bring what that small piece of America to people we ask to risk their lives, wherever they may be. It is a re-affirmation and a giving back, for all the pain, discipline and sacrifice.

And it is that we live in a country not only willing, but needing to do so, that makes America what it is.

A place to be Thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving to each of you.

Regards,
-Bouncer-
PS: Call your mom! Geeze! :)

Not Home For Turkeyday!

2007-11-19T07:41:00.000+03:00

Sigh...

The Gub'mint, in it's infinite wisdom, has decided (the day I was supposed to leave) that.. "Mmmno. Sorry. We need you here so here you stay. And also, here's a shoebox to live in. We're all going home for XMAS though, and you're not doing that either. TeeHee!" Then they kicked me in the shin and scampered off.

Sometimes their lack of making a decision until the last possible moment really really sucks. Still, I'll get to go home sometime in the new year, and I'm learning more useful stuff. It'll be quiet around here the closer it gets to XMAS, so I'll have more time to do other things. Maybe do some work on upping my certs or something. Don't really know yet.

Anyways, it's been quiet around here lately (knock on about five pieces of wood) and although it's picked up a bit the last few days, overall it's been pretty peaceful where we are. I'll start putting my room together the next few days or so. I got some free room arranging software and so used it to try and figure out the best configuration for me. It works. Plus, my roommate is a good guy so that makes it a lot less stress.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Home for Turkeyday!

2007-11-12T08:01:00.000+03:00

So I haven't written anything since I got back. I've been in flux, a transient, coming and going.

Short version is that I'm coming back to the states for some more training and to do some work there, then will be coming back over here, probably for a year (or so it appears at this point). It's a frustrating experience, because it's hard to get into a fixed rhythm (which is very helpful) when you're being yo-yo'd back and forth. I mean, great, I'm stacking up the frequent flier miles and the staff at various hotels now know me by my first name, but living out of a suitcase without a permanent base somewhere is wearing.

Wah, po' me. I can only whine so long about it, because I'm not wearing 40lbs of PPE while manning a machine gun in a HUMVEE somewhere in downtown hell-hole, Iraq. Everytime I want to complain, I just remind myself of that young soldier, and whatever my complaint is pales in comparison.

Still, it's a tad frustrating. OTOH, I can get my XMAS shopping done back in the states! YAY! And I get Turkeyday with the family, YAY! One thing I'm buying for sure is a box of super extra fluffeh tissues. Seems I have a cold too, right now. The IZ is like a big college campus, and once one kid comes down with it, it's a matter of time until it's an epidemic. So I'm all duffed up and my dose is raw from dissues. Bleh.

Still, not on a HUMVEE. Not wearing 40lbs of PPE. Not in hell-hole, Iraq. So I'm thankful.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Badges, we don' need no stinkin' badges!

2007-10-10T16:09:00.000+03:00

So here I sit in a hotel, waiting on a badge. Day two. Because the badging machine is broke you see. And this is apparently the only badging machine in the known multiverse. Sigh..

The thing I truly hate is the way some gov't people will flat lie to your face. Come in at 1PM they say, even though the office CLOSES at 1PM. I mean, if I hadn't noticed that sign the other day I'd have been blissfully unaware. So when confronted it was all "Oh yeah (like you didn't know the hours you work!) umm.. come in at 12:15PM."

Which is when they'll all be at lunch of course. But I don't care. I'll go stake out their office and wait like some penitent for the blessing of a badge few people will ever seeor care about. Sigh... we really have lost sight of who works for who.

Because all of this is worse than wha some poor guy out on patrol will deal with today. Wah. Po' Me. Okay I'm over it, though to be honest I would kind like to get home and away from DC for a few days. :)

Regards,
-Bouncer-

No Words

2007-10-06T19:43:00.001+03:00

I went to the Vietnam Memorial today. I don't have many words, except to say I am glad that it was busy, but that there wasn't a whole lot of talking. I think it was intended to be a quiet memorial, a place for simple reflection. Nothing like the grand monuments around it.

And it is fundamentally a powerful place for that. It cuts. Into the earth, and oddly, into your mind.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

A Giant Garden

2007-10-06T02:46:00.000+03:00

As I drove down out of the mountains of western Virginia, I engaged in conversation with my Yemeni passenger.

What, like this doesn't happen to you every day?

ANYways, he said something a little startling. After staring silently out the window for a solid two minutes, he turned to me and said, with a little awe: "You, you Americans, you live in a giant garden." It struck me, for two reasons.

First, here I was priveleged to see America not with my own eyes, which are acustomed as they can be to the place, but through the eyes of someone else. Someone for whom lush greenery, mountains and early fall foliage are simply unknown. We drive down an open, well maintained road, past hilly farmland with cows drinking from ponds, horses in fields and neat, well maintained farmhouses and barnes. All against the backdrop of morning fog and pink sky with neon clouds. For me, it's a bit like being on a movie set. For him, it was like something quite literally from another planet. You could have knocked him over with a feather.

Second, he wanted to be here. I can't easily explain it. Imagine that someone showed you heaven, and then said you only had a tourist visa, so had to go back to dirty, loud, hot and dangerous hell. As Americans we tend to miss why people want to come here. We think in terms of illegal mexicans, or terrorists, or cab drivers with thick accents. And we miss that people all over the world are hoping against hope that they can become a part of what have. A peaceful, modern society where you really can, with a lot of hard work and a little luck, go from having nothing to being the master of your own destiny, utterly and completely. And oh yeah, by the way, we also live in a garden which practically throws food and water ands shelter at us. So there's that, too.

I think my Yemeni friend is right. We live in a giant garden. All we have to do, is look around and notice it.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Silence and Respect

2007-10-01T01:17:00.000+03:00

I went to Arlington National Cemetery today.

It was a beautiful autumn day. Bright sunshine, no humidity to speak of, slight breeze and temperatures in the upper 70's.

I went to see my Granddad. And to remember. While I was there, they had a Changing of the Guard ceremony at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. As I walked up and stood to the side of the crowd, there was a small, older, forged metal sign. The words on it caught my attention:

"Silence and Respect"

No "Please". No "For the convenience of others" fake courtesy. A simple, honest demand. More powerful for it in our PC world.

As I walked on, the words on the sign made me think about why we have these places. From a purely monetary standpoint they are inefficient, unnecessary anachronisms. Big, solemn parks maintained at significant cost that only a relative few on any one day will wander. Mournful places that remind us of our own mortality. Ironically though, it's an affirmation of life. And it puts the truth to the statement: "Money isn't everything." It reminds us, of what's important:

Places like these are more than a "Field of Honor", whatever that means. They are a place of, well.. respect. A nations respect not only for it's dead... but for their families. For the ones who carry on and the continuing sacrifice they endure. It is a way of acknowledging the debt owed to the living for the service of their loved dead.

It is a hugely powerful place for that. If you can find it on a cool autmun day, or a warm spring one, I urge you to go, to listen to the commands barked as the Changing of the Guard occurs. To watch not merely the drilled precision, but to see the discipline demanded as they watch over our loved ones for us.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

On Tolerance

2007-09-27T02:56:00.000+03:00

I cannot claim to be any kind of expert on Islam, on Iraq, on the Sunni or Shia.

It is striking to me, however, how the Iraqis, as a people, seem to be both a keeper of history, and one doomed to repeat it.

It is amazing that they repeat their past, over and over, as if in some kind of slo-motion play. A play where, if they only get it right, they will change their path forever. Of course, they are doomed to do no such thing. Their pain, is to repeat the mistakes of the past. Over and over, until the end of time. Not because of lack of faith, but because they fundamentally do not understand what their faith requires of them.

The greatest act of discipline of faith, is the act of tolerance. Mohammed (peace be upon him) understood that. It is why he specifically set a place for both Jews and Christians in the Quran. That the Jews and Christians should be let alone to solve their own affairs and live by their own rules under the rule of Islam. That's a remarkably un-obvious choice. Far easier it is, to enforce compliance at the point of a sword or gun. But the value in doing so, is two fold. One, the faith of the true believers is not diluted by opportunistic converts. Two, the other faiths have less ability to.. morph the dominant one by subversion of tenets of belief. My point is, Mohammed understood the nature and value of tolerance. It is a weapon as much as a mercy.

In Iraq today, what you see, more than anything else, is a lack of tolerance. In truth, it's in pursuit of power. Tolerance of others does make that more difficult in the short run. It is easier to be intolerant, and to make war on others by declaring them different, thus worthy of murder, rape and subjugation. And so the lesson of Mohammed goes by the wayside in a quest for power. And once again, Iraqis repeat the mistakes of the past. As they seemed destined to do.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Things You Notice

2007-09-24T03:39:00.000+03:00

The constellations are all wrong.

The stars aren't where they should be, and it can be a little disconcerting. You expect certain things to remain fixed, immutable. And yet, you look up and the big dipper is nowhere to be found. It's... odd.

Another thing which is odd (fantastic segue, eh?) is how important middle management is. You never really think about it and in fact, we tend to denigrate the middle line folks. But the truth is, without them, it's almost impossible to make things function the way they should.

This is really evident in Iraq. You have people at the ministerial level, and you have construction workers, but finding the guy in the middle who knows how things should work and how to make the reconstruction process happen is very hard. The lack of middle management means there's a disconnect, and so you have an architect with great plans for a water treatment plant, and a bunch of workers ready to build it... and no way to get the trucks rented to bring the supplies. Or get the permits filed, or keep up with the paperwork in general. And so the process falls apart.

Middle management is the institutional memory of a place. Without them, every process has to be relearned every time. And you end up with four water treatement plants next to each other none of which are actually producing potable water. None of them has an incomming water supply or none of them has a way to transport treated water to the people or none of them has power or something. Something a middle mamangement person would've taken care of well before it became a show stopper.

It's a mess all around.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

So...yeah.

2007-09-17T22:54:00.000+03:00

Welp, back to the states for a bit of training. Seems like the "powers that be" have decided that a certain unchecked check-box is simply unacceptable, and so I am coming back to the United States from Iraq, so that I can be taught what it is like in Iraq.

...

Yeaaahhh.

ANYways, I don't have tyhe words for that right now, but at least it's another opportunity for me to waste money on duty free stuff. So there's that.

Also, I was talking with a friend who made a very valid couple of points. First, you must realize that really, human conflicts are about basic things. Usually control of resources perceived as being necessary or desirable for survival. Whether it's a mugging in the street or a world war.. the root is the same. It's about survival.

Having said that, in order to justify what we do to each other, we create artificial markers that allow us to cast people as "others, they, them, outsiders". Whether it's red hair, or a different religion, it's more or less irrelevant. The marker exists in order to differentiate between "us", and "them". What the marker is is not really relevant. And this is true on both sides of the equation. The "bad" guys do it to us, and we do it to "them".

All this is a long winded windup to get to my point. Which is that in order to resolve these conflicts, we have to get each side to see beyond the markers. Not in some touchy-feely way, but in a way that betters their own lot. By doing that, the marker, instead of being a divisor, becomes a way of recognizing opportunity.

Let me explain what I mean.

My friend used the analogy of an orange grove. Let's pretend that two tribes want the orange grove. One, uses the skin to make something. The other, uses the pulp to make something else. Each is convinced that they need 100% of the orange grove for their own use, and that it is worth fighting and killing over. They come up with markers for the other group, in order to justify their behavior towards them. "We may be poor orange farmers" they say, "but at least we're not BLUE EYES!" The other people do the same thing, chanting "death to the gingers!"

You get the idea.

Here's the thing though. Obviously, while each thinks they need to control the resource, in truth they are able to share it, since each wants different things out of it, and could work together to exploit the grove in a mutually beneficial way.

Just so, in Iraq, oil is the exploitable resource. And everyone knows it. Four years on and there have been no significant attacks on the refineries themselves. Yes, the pipelines get hit, mostly for criminal reasons (either extortion or simple theft) but no one seems really eager to bring the refineries or marine termainl systems down. That's a rather glaring issue considering the capability certainly exists to do so.

They are the prize though, and so remain pretty much completely unscathed even as Mosques and other marker points are attacked with dull regularity. Since we know they are the prize, we should then use that, to help create stability. In my simple example I used an orange grove.. but the point remains.

Perhaps, thought should be given to giving control of the refineries and terminals to the Sunnis, and control of the transport systems (trucks, pipelines) to the Shi'a. This would do exactly two things. One, it would make cooperation in their own economic interest. Two, and as importantly, it would give each a reason to defend the assets of the other. A refinery is useless without pipelines and trucks. And a pipeline is just a rather long, well, pipe, without something to transport. More than simply forcing the groups to work together, it gives them an absolute reason to do so on a large infrastructure scale.

There is a middle management need in this country as well, but I'll bore you with that, another time.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Pumas and Gators and Me, Oh my!

2007-09-13T10:13:00.000+03:00

Back in Baghdad.

This trip was sort of a reverse of the last. I had an interesting time down south, and maybe will go down there again sometime. I do like the Brits. They have a more laid back approach to certain things and, of course, a charming range of accents, some of which are in actual English!

So flying back this time I flew a Brit helicopter at one point, called a Puma. To be honest, I prefer it over the Blackhawk. I had to help a couple of firsttimers buckle up, and got a thumbs up from the Brit doorgunner for helping him out. It pays to know people, and help out when, where you can. Some people have the same attitude they do when travelling commercial air, which is weird. Ain't none of us getting off the C-130 until we push the cargo pallet off. So you might as well get to it. On the other side of that, I had someone kind enough to pick up and carry me back to housing in a gator, a small little four wheeled utility vehicle that are somewhat ubiquitous around camps in Iraq. I'll make sure and pay that favor back. It sure beats humping all your 50lbs of gear and gear and 30lbs of Personal Protection Equipment (PPE) about 3/4 a mile or so at midnight after working since 7AM.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Friend of a Friend

2007-09-07T17:01:00.000+03:00

For a while now, I've been trying to get a handle on how to describe how the Iraqis (and middle easterners in general) do business. I'm sure there's a word that describes it, but the best phrase I can come up with is "Friend of a Friend".

Let me give you a recent example of what I mean.

I am an engineer/technician/geek/whatever. Fine, and I make a decent living at it. I also know how to fix PC's, having built many of my own over the years. One day, one of the linguists I work with came to me with a small problem he had with his laptop. So I helped him out and he was very thankful and bought me some refreshing beverages etc etc. So no biggie.

Today, he pulls me aside and asks me to come help him. So I go and the next thing I know, I'm helping another linguist type who I don't know fix her PC. And that's when it kinda struck me.

The way it all works.

See, once I proved to him I knew my stuff (by fixing his laptop), he immediately saw me as a resource. So then, when he's trying to make points with a girl who also has a PC problem.. he calls me. If I can fix it, then he's the hero not for getting the PC fixed, BUT FOR KNOWING WHO TO CALL. That's the thing. It's knowing who to call that matters.

And it revealed to me that the people of this region, along with being extrordinarily hospitable, also do business in the same sort of way. It's about personal relationships with them. About knowing who to call to get something done. Because that demonstrates that you have personal power. People will do things for you, that means you count. And as soon as this person realized he could use me to further that, I became someone he had to "take care of". It's more of a barter/middleman system than a straight capitalist one.

I'm not trying to be critical or judgmental in any of this. I'm trying to describe it as plainly as I can. I'm not disapproving of the person, after all they got me some refreshing beverages and are very hospitable in general. I guess my point is that if you're here, you need to give up some of the western ways of thinking and stop expecting that the locals will interact with you the way someone form the UK or USA or Germany might.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Why We Come Back

2007-09-01T21:55:00.000+03:00

Someone I respect said:

"Those who can’t think beyond the limitations of their own expectations can not understand that which does not fall within them."

Indeed. It got me to thinking a bit about my own expectations of what it would be like over here and how that has been different from the reality of Iraq.

To me, watching Iraq (as an experience) unfold is at times like being a pawn on one of those giant human chessboards. You know a rather large game is being played even though you can only see your area of the field. You know there are hidden moves happening and you know that your next move could be your last, so to speak. But the thing is, you're part of the game.

You're a player, on the ground, in the mix, and for all the hardship and PITA of being here, there's a bit of a siren call to being part of something larger. A feeling of working with a group of others who are all trying to move in the same direction. There's a focus and a comradeship you simply do not find back in the world.

It's part of what draws some of us, and draws some of us back. There's an immediacy to being near the pointy end of the stick. Your work has value and impact on others now, today. You don't get that back home where it's all meetings and planning and then weekends off. There an austerity to being out here. A mean focus. Once you have a taste for it, it calls you a bit from then on. Maybe not here.. but somewhere.

Somewhere where it's a bit more challenging.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

The Weeble-Wobble of Death

2007-08-31T20:28:00.000+03:00

This is called a C-RAM. It stands for Counter-Rocket Artillery Mortar system. It is VERY loud, and yet, very comforting. Basically, you take a Phalanx system off of a ship, put it on a trailer, and send it to the desert. You use shells that explode in mid-air (so they don't land in downtown Baghdad as that would be bad). It shoots down mortars and rockets about 7 out of 10 times. Granted, I wish it were 10 out of 10, but it's better than 0 out of 10!

I kinda debated posting this because of OPSEC, but at the same time, I was able to find all this video of it on YouTube, so I figured I might as well mention it here. I call it "The Weeble-Wobble of Death". Dun Dun DUHHH!

Basically, I was driving past one while it was in scan mode just after an attack alarm had gone off. The system is automatic, and when it's in search mode it sort of wibbles around looking for incomming. In other words, the damn gun was bouncing around vaguely in my direction looking for something to shoot. It makes you VERY nervous when it wobbles in your direction. The shells that thing puts out are not quite as big as your forearm. Definitely the size of a good can of hairspray. And it'd just turn you and the vehicle you were in into puddles.

However, it's on our side, and so I like it. Plus it defeats the bad guys without hurting innocents. So there's that, too. And nothing makes the point about firepower like one of those going off. The video simply does not do it, or the phenomenally loud buzz saw sound it makes, justice.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Djibouti and The French

2007-08-24T21:14:00.000+03:00

I was recently offered an opportunity to take a side trip to Djibouti, a small country in Africa. It didn't work out, and truthfully, I don't mind. While I want to visit that continent someday, I'm pretty sure that country isn't one of the places I want to visit. It's very poor and the locals speak French. Which got me to thinking about the powers that colonized Africa.

It brings into relief the fundamental difference in the way the French colonies and the British colonies were governed, and their fate once the colonial powers left. (I discount Liberia, since while it was set up by the US as a repatriation point for African slaves, it was never really managed by the US in any meaningful way).

Anyways, it seems as if the core difference is that the French did most of the work themselves, and the Brits delegated the natives to do most of the work.

This may make it seem as if the French were "nicer", but in truth, it did a lot more damage. First, the population was left with no skill set in building or maintaining infrastructure or operation of government services. So when the French left, there was no one on the ground who had the training necessary to keep the lights on. Yes, there were basic technicians and clerks, but few if any trained local professionals. Which meant the systems fell into disrepair almost immediately, and have been, in most cases, steadily devolving ever since. I won't go into the basic issues with French technologies or corruption issues, but suffice it to say, pretty much anything made by Peugeot is a POS and bribery as a way of life didn't help issues. In truth, the French weren't out to expand an empire. They were there strictly for the mineral/agricultural resources, and couldn't give a shit whether the people survived them or not.

The Brits, otoh, when they left, did leave behind a trained and capable workforce who could run the country and maintain/create new infrastructure. They were out to increase the Empire, and that meant building a capable workforce who could eventually contribute taxes etc. This meant that the Brits invested time in training the people of their colonies and instilling the sense of pride and homogeneity needed to create a new nation. By rights, the Brit former colonies in most cases had a very good chance of making it. Unfortunately in almost all cases tribalism and local greed have been slowly dragging down what should be prosperous nations that have both mineral wealth and fertile soil.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Traffic can be a... Bulldog

2007-08-22T20:33:00.000+03:00

Ha! You thought I'd say "Bear". Well you're wrong! So, all ha! on you!

Actually this was one of our escorts today as we were out and about. It's a British FV-430 Mk3 Bulldog Armored Personnel Carrier. The interesting thing to me is two fold. One, it's very weird to be in ap rocession behind and in front of one of these, and you really do hope the young drivers are paying attention so you don't end up as the soggy bits in a Bulldog sammich.

Two, if I'm a bad guy, I'm probably going to shoot at THE NON-MILITARY LOOKING SUV TYPE VEHICLE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ARMORED CONVOY! I mean, I'm just sayin'. It's not "low profile" to be one of three civilian vehicles in a bunch of purely military vehicles. Someone really ought to re-think these things.

OTOH, to be fair, it's not likely anyone is going to try anything with all the armor around anyways. So there is that. Anyways, it was interesting, if a bit boring and not much of a view, to be tagging along while important peoples did stuffs. I think they were stocking up on cashews, or something. Maybe getting pistachios and cream sodas.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Go, For Pringles

2007-08-21T19:37:00.000+03:00

I wear body armor to go buy Pringles.

We have to, you see. Anytime we leave our little compound, even on a run to another part of a bigger compound, we have to wear body armor. I mostly don't mind. It's heavy, and hot, and I'm frankly stunned at the soldiers who wear even more kit in the heat, and go on patrol, and operate for hours in it. It's just amazing to me. The best way I can describe it is to take all your good iron kitchenware.. all the heavy frying pans, and tie them to a nice winter coat.

Then put on the coat, and feel the drag and the extra umph on your thighs.

Then step outside in the sunshine. And take some flour and throw it back into your face. That's about 1/3rd of what it's like.

Anyways, I wear body armor to go buy Pringles.

I do so, because it gets me out of the compound and is something different. Plus I get to hear other accents, and talk, even briefly, to other people. And of course I get to buy all kinds of odd, somewhat American, yet clearly foreign products at the Naafi. The Naafi is the UK version of a PX/BX. They have a UK slant on things of course. For instance, they've decided that it's okay for young men to buy magazines with pictures of *gasp* nekkid women! Unlike us upright Americans. They're very naughty! And also way more realistic about certain things. OTOH, they're completely insane when it comes to food in general, and "crisps" in particular. Say, for instance, Pringles. They have Cheese and Onion Pringles. And Ketchup Pringles.

I mean, really.. Ketchup Pringles? WTF is THAT about? What's next, baked potato flavored pickles?

Still, it's whats available and it breaks up the monotony. Plus, of course, you get to feel like you're in a bit of a movie. What with the kit on and the radio sqwawking and the gigantic SUV you're in and the sunglasses so on.

Then you clear the gate and reality sets in. You're reminded that it's no joke and it's no movie.

I wear body armor. To go buy Pringles.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

The Iraqis and Karl Rove

2007-08-18T20:44:00.000+03:00

The Iraqis, for all their problems, are not a stupid people.

It's easy to think that they are ignorant savages, bent on self-destruction on a national scale. But that ignores reality. It also plays into the hands of the propagandists.

The Iraqis, are, above all else, pragmatists. They have learned to be, under both Saddam and the US/UK/Other. This is why, in southern Iraq, the Iraqis are more or less ignoring the British. The British gov't has indicated that it plans to draw down it's presence there. That means the Iraqis have to look around, and see who the new power will be. It may be the Iranians. It may be the US. But since it won't be the British, well, there's not much future in returning their calls. This irritates the British, because they already feel as if they are the junior partner in the coalition, and having their phone calls ignored in an area they nominally control.. well.. it gets up their nose a bit.

I can understand their point of view, but at the same time, it comes back to the Iraqis. They are pragmatists. If you're not going to be around, theirs no point in talking to you.

Enough of Iraq, for a moment. I want to talk about Karl Rove.

I don't "hate" Rove. I do dislike him though. My reasons for doing so are multiple:

1) He's a political operative. That is, he is a man who makes his living at playing politics. That's creepy on a couple of levels.

2) He's a "win at all costs" type of political operative. It is a FACT that he smeared John McCain terrifically during the Presidential primaries in 2000. He's willing to destroy people he agrees with if he's not their hired gun. There's no higher morality with him.

3) He believes that "winning is the only thing". In that payback of someone like Ambassador Wilson is MORE important than maintaining the national security of the United States of America. It is a FACT that he leaked Valerie Plame's name multiple times to multiple reporters. He'll never be called to account for it, of course, but he did real damage to our national security. And for no other reason than to be a little punk.

The sum of my dislike for him is that he is a consummate political gamesman, and he does not care even a tiny bit about how much damage he does to some of us, or all of us, as long as he can play his games. I have met other political operatives like him from the other side, and I don't like them either. They all, combined, lower the political discourse in the US to a bunch of childish slogans being shouted over one another. He's not only part and parcel of that political devolution of the United States, he's a willing, even enthusiastic, participant.

It's not about the (R) after his name for me. It's the complete and utter willingness to stomp on a child's head if it'll get his guy elected. I just can't respect someone with no ethical core.

And by the way, it's disingenuous for anyone to imply that he is *just* an aide. He was the Deputy Chief of Staff and is the person primarily responsible for all the political activities of the White House. He's *just* and aide the way Eleanor Roosevelt was *just* a wife.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Herky Bird and the Wogs

2007-08-14T12:20:00.000+03:00

No one talks.

All you hear is the crunchy thud of your boots on the gravel, which in turn becomes a softer thump as you walk down the concrete flight line towards your aircraft. By this time, you have your earplugs in, and are comforted by their muffling presence. Still.. it let's you hear your own steps, and that acts as a metronome to your mind against the background of the "RAHHHHH!" of the Hercules C-130 engines.

Thump-thump-thump-thump as you shuffle along in line with all your gear and kit weighing you down and the heat just beats at you. It's easy to turn off your mind and just go. You understand now why they line up and climb aboard without any of the hassle or irritation you see in the commercial world. You're in a sort of herd state. No one is jumping line. No one is clamoring for an upgrade. After 7 or more hours of waiting in a tent in the Iraqi heat, where the closest thing to relief is a giant swamp cooler that maybe, MAYBE offers the SLIGHTEST wisp of cooling, the only thing you feel is relief to actually be getting on with it. Whatever it is. Any sort of movement is welcome.

Anyways, I'm down south for a bit. Should be interesting. Flew with the Brits part of the way, who, unlike the Americans, have no problem hiring cute girls to be the load masters on their military cargo aircraft. They have it right, I think. Sure beats the standard "YELLING USAF PERSON! ISSUE! ONE EACH!" She just picked up a bullhorn, made her flight annoucements about the in-flight movie, and tea and cookies and also what to do if we crash, and then put the bullhorn away. No muss, no fuss.

And all the while you sit in silence with your foam earplugs in and try not to fall asleep until you take off and think whatever thoughts you have left to think. Me, I just watched the pattern of outside lights fill the pitch black interior of the aircraft as we took off and banked out of Baghdad.. Oh yeah, you take off blacked out both inside and out. It reminded me of that old Disney rollercoaster that was partly in a complete darkness.. same sense of push/pull/turn/move where you have no time to anticipate and so grab the nylon webbing over your shoulders and just hold on till it smoothes out. The light show was like a slightly surreal disco, the way the light coming through the few view ports moved across the ceiling and gave a soft, almost moonlight glow as the little oval shaped spots moved over people and pallets.

No pictures, of course, and what could I show you anyways? It's something that has to be experienced in the aggregate, and all I can try and do is put together a few scenes in my head of a very long, long day of travel.

And oh yeah... if you ever fly with Blackwater Air... take Dramamine beforehand.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

On Contractors and Prostitutes

2007-08-05T20:59:00.000+03:00

So yeah, being a contractor in a war zone, we get referred to as Ho's, Ho bags, Prostitutes, Pond Scum, and various other friendly descriptive names for someone who makes their living doing naughty things for others for pay. That's not unexpected, people are shocked, shocked, that they have to pay people more to come live and work in a very dangerous place! We're all just mercenaries! Pfft. Whatever.

But apparently a REAL pro is coming to town. (I note that someone else pointed it out to me):

http://wonkette.com/politics/sex-on-the-breach-dept%27/iraq-contractors-to-have-hooker+in+residence-284569.php

It is apparently a real "professional" who is going to be "working" in the IZ, for some period of time.

My reaction is this:

Bleh. Just bleh.

First, I'm not really pro-prostitution. I certainly believe that what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home is entirely their business, and if it invloves one of them dressing up as a Rice Krispy Elf then err.. SNAP! CRACKLE and POP!, I guess. Whatever floats their boat. Seriously though, I truly dislike gov't intrusion into our privacy and our sex lives. It has way more important things to be doing than peeping in our windows and clucking disapprovingly. In fact it's a bit creepy, but I digress. I'm not really for prostitution because it seems to ALWAYS bring in human traffickers and underage manipulated children being used and destroyed. Amsterdam, Nevada.. everywhere it's legal the people who sell little kids and Eastern European sex slaves show up.

That being said, that is not the case here. The ..ahh.. "sex worker" in question is clearly of age, and I'm sure all of her "clients" in the IZ would/will be of age etc. So far as I know, she appears to be self-employed and does this of her own free will.

My issue is more selfish, I suppose, and more, well, basic. I'm sure we'll see this on CNN/FOX sooner rather than later. And frankly, we live under enough regulations as it is. This will only drive the moral police through the roof when it hits the news. That's what I have an issue with. Once this goes public, then the official hypocrisy season 07' will have officially kicked off.

I mean, consider. If it's NOT real, those of us in country get to endure the morality crusade for the next three months. Crackdowns on every damn thing to "prove" they're doing something about these wild hoary contractors out whoring/drinking/gambling/doping it up. People will be tossed for some ridiculous "infraction" that hasn't got shit to do with anything. Finally, you just have to know they're going to punish everyone, because it's way easier to do that than find the actual fuckups who NEED a boot to the ass.

If it IS real, then we get to deal with the fallout for a full year plus some. That. sucks.

I don't want to live by the *public* moral purity codes of either Muqtada "I get people to blow themselves up!" Al-Sadr or Pat "I run blood-diamond mines" Robertson. I don't really give a crap if he/she or some of the other Baghdad bed toys make their money on the side. But for fucks sake keep a goddamn lid on it!

The rest of us, even those who don't "utilize" those services, really do not need the additional preachy hassle that WILL come down because of this. Matter of time.

So.. no whooping it up from me. No yee haw. No 'clearing out the appointment book, boys!" Just... bleh. Keep the stupidity that attracts official pomposity away from me. I just want to do my job, and try to make it out of here in one piece mentally and physically.

If I seem a bit cranky, it's because the sunburn blisters are starting to show and I have to wear a backpack and that just plain hurts like a mofo. And where it's not blistering is ALL ITCHY! RAAGH!!

Oh, also I arrived in Baghdad safely. So there's that! :)

Regards,
-Bouncer-

I am mildly pink!

2007-08-03T19:21:00.000+03:00

So I had an idea, which is usually where all the trouble starts!

The idea was this:

There is a pool here. I am very pale. A nice base tan would be useful protection down in the land of incredible bright hotness.

The failure in my thinking was that we still have an ozone layer left. We apparently, do not. Or at least not over Amman, Jordan. It does not help that I am of the easily burned type either. I mean, seriously, I can tan under a nightlight.

So, I laid out for 25 minutes, did laps for probably 20 minutes (whew that is tiring, btw.. good excercise though) and laid out for 20 more minutes each side.

Problem: Somewhere in this I lost track of time. I also forgot that you tan in the water as well. So basically I did about an hour on the front and about 40 minutes on the back. Backside is fine, not too tingly, but the front is letting me know IT NO HAPPY!

So poop. I get to go to Baghdad with a slight sunburn. That'll teach me. Still, I should have a great base tan eventually, and an excuse to beg for high end painkillers from the medics!

Oh.. and in the irony department, when I went over the first time I took some very nice topical sunburn ointment. It is currently sitting in my house as I convinced myself I was never going to use it, so no need to bring it.

Sigh...

Regards,
-Bouncer-
PS: Yes, I know I am el estupido. :p

عمان الاردن (Amman, Jordan)

2007-08-02T03:55:00.000+03:00

First Pic after I arrived.

Another Pic I took today..

Couple of things that I've noticed. ...BTW it's 4AM as I write this so that's my excuse for any flakiness.

1) You fly roughly parallel to Israel and Lebanon on your way here from Frankfurt. This means that "If you look out of the left side of the airplane, you'll see the bright orange shelling and explosions going on in downtown Beirut." It is terrifically weird and a little troubling to watch the flashes and explosions that light up the smoke from the previous explosions. You have this sort of godlike detachment. And you realize both how fragile our existence is, and how willing we are to sacrifice and kill for things that only make sense to us.

2) The high end hotels here dont' mess around. Labor costs here are very low in general, and so the profit margin on service industries is quite high, provided the customer wants to return. The point being, that they bring you a nice wash cloth and a glass of orange juice as you check in. And check in, is at a very nice desk, and not some stand up counter. They even have a little sliding drawer (leather covered, natch) that they positionso that your glass and washcloth don't have to rest on the desk itself.

3) I would not want to live near a Mosque. I've nothing against them, but it's 4AM, and the muezzin are doing the call to prayer thing. Imagine some people yelling out a gregorian chant in a high pitched voice at 4AM next to your house. Yeah, you'd move too. Still, it's a interesting welcome back to the lands of Allah.

4) Having said that, so far, I am a fan of Jordan. Prices here can be a bit steep, and you can ripped off on cab rides etc. But the country reminds me of what it was like in Bahrain. Moderate Islam, that allows the infidels to have their whiskey in peace and not a lot of anger at everyone else for no reason. Then again, I've only been here 2 hours at this point, so I may want to check back in a few.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Packing Out, Heading Out...

2007-07-30T18:09:00.000+03:00

Baghdad bound tomorrow. Left a bunch of stuff at home this time, packed more efficiently for all my comfort items... now I have a better idea of what I need, so it's a bit easier. Still ended up with two trunks, but they're not bursting at the seams.

Now I just need to brave the hurricane we're having and deliver them to the post office and fill out 100 forms. Then off to the bank to do some paperwork there. Then I need to call my credit cards and add the new shipping address. Then I need to work with my new company to get my AMEX corp card and travel stuff done. Then I need to backup the laptop. Then MAYBE I can slow down.

But probably not.

Wheeeee!!!

As always, I could use a couple more days. Oh well. Back in the saddle!

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Neat! Also, Why I like Meebo!

2007-07-24T05:00:00.000+03:00

Note the lil chat window thingy! If you put text in there, and I am online, I will receive it! If you are nice and not toooooo sassy, I might even respond. It is impressive technology, that which makes it so easy for a drag-n-drop web guy like me to make it possible for you to reach out and touch me from the other side of the planet because you're bored and want to complain about my poor spelling, grammar, and run on sentences.

To which, I respond thusly:

:p phbthhhhh!!!

:)

Regards,
-Bouncer-
PS: Got my medical clearance to go back to Baghdad today. Should be on a flight around the end of the week.

Err... ?

2007-07-21T02:16:00.001+03:00

So...yeah.. These are prisoners in the Phillipines on Cebu Island. No, I'm not kidding. No, I have no idea how they ended up doing this. Nor, really, do I want to know. I really don't know what to think, besides this may be the oddest Prison, ever. And that includes the Swedish prisons where they let you come and go as you like.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

A few Snaps...

2007-07-12T15:56:00.001+03:00

Here's the Perfume Palace at dusk (time exposure which is why it looks bright). The interesting thing about this building besides it's construction, are the stories behind it. Depending on who you ask, it's either a palace for Saddam's girlfriends (some of whom were unwilling), or it was a palace built for one of his daughters. I'm not sure which is true. Maybe both are. The Iraqis are a complicated people.

This is the Baath party Headquarters. You can't see it from this side, but the other side is a pretty ruined place courtesy of aerial bombardment. It's cleaned up now, but I'm told the smell there from the bodies used to be very strong. Yeah.

This is the Victory over America Palace!(tm) It's kinda hard to see. It's ahh.. unfinished. It was originally going to be the Victory over Iran Palace!(tm), but after Gulf War I, Saddam decided that since he had won, they would rename it! Well done! Wonder what it'll be called next!

Finally, a SLIGHTLY MODIFIED (heh) picture of me on one of Saddam's thrones. This is in the Al-Faw Palace and so many people have taken pics on it they finally just put it by the door. It's about as touristy as it gets. :) It's also kinda getting worn out and stained from so many dusty GI's sitting in it. Curiously, whenever they have Iraqis in they practically climb over one another to have their picutre taken in it. It's a psychological thing.

I'm going bsck to Iraq soon, of that I have no doubt. What I find interesting is how I end up describing it to friends and colleagues. The bases are.. well.. imagine living in a giant industrial construction zone. Dirt, gravel, constant generator noises and periodic bangs and booms. Anyways, I'm off for a few days to go see family and take care of eight million details.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Leavinnnn, on a jet plane...

2007-07-11T12:28:00.000+03:00

Short version,

I'm heading home for a visit.

Long version:

Reached a breakpoint in the contract, so, I'm taking a few weeks. India will get "pushed to the right" as the project people like to say. Which means probably delayed a bit, but still on track. Still, I can use the break and it'll be good to get home and just relax in a cool dark room without loud bangs or generators near my head. :)

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Mail, and The Tilley

2007-07-07T14:44:00.001+03:00

The thing is, that mail is important out here.

First, it's a bit like christmas, even if it's a bill or a flyer for 20% off your next Jeep. SOMEONE KNOWS YOU'RE ALIVE! Remember, we're isolated out here, bubbleized, and sometimes there's this thought in the back of your head that people have forgotten you. So mail is important. It reconnects you with home. Also, my folks, god love them, sent me a care package in a box they got from somewhere. Why care about a box? They didn't notice that it was formerly used for shipping a bunch of rum. AHHHHHHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! ..I fully expect my hooch to get turned upside down in a quest for a bunch of alcohol I don't have. Heh. They touch my icy pops though, and IT's ON!!

Anyways, delivery of mail is usually 10 days to two weeks. Unless it's 6 weeks because the person responsible for mail cannot be bothered to go pick up mail or takes a smaller vehicle "So they weren't able to pick up all the mail this time." LOOK COCKBITE, you had NO problem picking up YOUR mail. Give ME the mail card and I'll go pick up my own damn mail. Hell I'll go get a fucking panel van and pick up ALL the mail!

Understand, this would be less frustrating for me if the people responsible for this were really busy doing something besides watching AFN TV and listening to iPods. But they're not. And it seriously burns my ass. Both because I am an online shopper and because my mommy sends me stuffs! Once I know that package is on it's way from one or the other (and especially the latter) then BY GOD LET NO ONE INTERFERE WITH IT UPON PAIN OF DEATH OR BEING YELLED AT IN A REALLY CRANKY VOICE OR SOMETHING! SERIOUSLY!

See, *I* can't blow off my job to go watch AFN or listen to iPods. I have no issue with anyone doing either of those if they're in a lull. I do have a real problem with people blowing off their responsibilities where it involves me and the timely delivery of my cookies, computer parts, or new hat.

Which brings me to Tilley. The hat people.

http://www.tilley.com/

My dad has a Tilley, and now, so do I. I know, I know, it can seem a bit pretentious to buy a 70 dollar hat for use in Iraq. Hell, maybe it IS pretentious. Whatever. It is now painful bright outside during the day, and a hat of some sort is basically just about required. Lots of people use baseball caps, and that was my original intention too. But a co-worker (since departed the AO) turned me on to Tilley when he went on a search for a nice wide brim, but cool, hat for the environment. Being the kind of person who likes to overthink and over-prepare, I immediately began an exploration of all the Tilleys but wasn't sure I'd buy one. Then I remembered that Dad has one (and swore by it). So I looked around, and low and behold, found the right one for me. Sold. Plus, it has snaps on both side so I can fold up both sides or just go all Aussie style with one side folded up! Sweeeeet!

Now I just need a long feather of some sort and I'll be pimptastic!

I'll admit it's comfy, the built in sweat band works as advertised, and it's so far met or exceeded all my expectations. Course I've only had it since yesterday. Even though it was ordered in May and has been sitting in a mail room since mid-June. Indeed. Which takes me back to mail.

It was more difficult to get that hat here than to get myself here or bring in an entire satellite communications system. And it weighs quite a bit less than either of those and is smaller to boot. First, the folks at Tilley had a real problem with the US Post Office. Seems USPS decided that apparently, Iraq doesn't exist so they can't send mail there. So I worked with Tilley and convinced them to send it to me, instead of my co-worker, at the exact address he used. And this time, the Post Office DID discover Iraq. WooHoo! So it got sent here.

It arrived around June 18th. And sat at the mail pick up point. For three weeks. Until *I* went and got it (with another person with mail room access who was doing me a favor) On July 6th.

You'd be smoking hot too if you knew the only thing keeping you from getting a piece of mail from home was the laziness of the local mail person. I wanted to beat them with a stick. A lot. And then kik them. And stuff.

The next day I got a brown card for another piece of mail. This was the first of two pieces which were sent. The first one was sent, and then the next about four days later. The second one arrived days before the first. It all makes the bunnies cry. It really does.

Still I get mail (sooner or later), and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for the family who remembers to send me cookies and pillows and love.

It's funny how a simple brown paper wrapped package can make you smile like a little kid.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Brrr! It's almost 120F outside! I need a blankie!

2007-07-06T18:16:00.000+03:00

So the hooches we all live in have Wall mounted AC units. And they work well. Sometimes.. toooo well. It can get quite the frosty inside at times. Lately though, mine has been acting wonky. I came in the other day and it was cool, but not the usual "FROZEN WASTELAND OF THE NORTH" I prefer. Odd. Maybe we had a power outage. That happens too btw. KBR cuts the power every so often to do generator work. Fair nuff, don't want it blowing up or anything.

Now you would think that in a country where the average summertime day temp is above 114F and we all live in giant insulated boxes (read, potential ovens), it'd be a good idea to do this late at night. You'd be right. What you wouldn't be, is employed by KBR. NOON to 4PM! Perfect time for no AC in a giant convection room! Yeehaw! Luckily, I'm not a day sleeper, so it doesn't affect me (usually) but holy god, could you imagine waking up in that? Where you stumble out into 116F temps TO COOL DOWN!

ANYWHOO, it was cold, but the penguins were no where to be found, so I was all like .. Hmm.. Oh well, it'll get cold... only... it didn't. Cool-ish, yes. Cold, no. So I started looking at the AC.. and there appeared to be ice underneath the cover on the filter. Well I'll just take off the filter and GOOD LORD!

The entire upper 2/3rds of the AC .. solid block of ice. Color me dumbfounded. So I started scraping it off, and dumping the snow/ice out the door. Which must've seemed odd to passerby.. I mean, c'mon, a door opens on a hooch somewhere in Iraq. In summer. And SNOW comes flying out. You'd blink a couple times too!

Then it got.. cold. COOOOOLLLLLLLD. Cold like I turned it on heat high and it was STILL COLD! Aieee.. from one extreme to another. Anyways, let me say that cleaning ice off of a window AC unit (which is hanging over your laptop btw) is just a thrill-a-minute. And btw, there's ice inside the unit too and the fan in the unit is blowing so occaisionally you hear a sort of crackle and then dirty hail comes spitting out at you sideways at high velocity. Neat!

Remember, dust and dirt are everywhere here. So the ice is dirty ice, the hail is dirty hail, and the whole experience just rocks a ton of fun! So when you done de-icing your AC you get to clean up the puddles and slush on your floor. Suh-weet!

By the way, I bet you're probably thinking about all those without any AC and that I shouldn't be whining. I'm not whining dammit! (sniffle). Seriously, I know it's all relative and that my experience isn't serious. I'm just relaying it because A) I've never seen ice hanging on an AC unit like that, B) It was ice, in the desert and C) It was just another reminder of how you have to be able to roll with it out here or you'll go loony.

Also, my Mom rocks. That is all. She sends me things. So it's like summer camp when you get a care package. And that brings me to the subject of mail and Tilley hats..

Which I'll talk about another time as I've bored you enough for one post.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Changes in Lattitudes..

2007-07-02T10:19:00.000+03:00

Soooooo, about the vacation. Thinking somewhere cool this year. After being in the desert during the summer that's only somewhat natural. Sooo hmmm.. where to go, where to go...

Shimla, I think.

"Shimla?" You say.

Yes Shimla. In the Himalayas. In India.

Yeah, really.

My reasoning goes like this.

Professionally, I need to maintain and increase my certifications. It's basically impossible to do much work on that here in Iraq. The workload is such that while I might have an hour here or there during the week to study, I don't have any consistent time to do so, and that makes it more difficult. Plus, you can be deep into something and have to drop it at any moment to go solve a problem. That makes it difficult to ever work through and learn something.

Now, I can go to training in the US or Europe. And pay a boatload for the privilege. And be distracted by touristy things to do or by seeing my family (who I love to very much). For me though, it's very very difficult to study when I've got a lot of distractions going on.

Alternatively, I've found what appears to be a very reputable training facility with multiple locations in India. One of which is in Shimla, in the Himalayas. It's a bit more serene environment, conducive to studying as opposed to sitting on a beach in Goa or doing family stuff. On other factor is that this is about as close to India as I'm likely to get, so flying from this area to there is a lot simpler than trying to do so from the US.

So hmm.. Shimla. In three weeks I should be able to rack up at least three certifications, and I'll have a good idea as to whether I want to come back for more. Plus, I can honestly say I'll have been to India, and have seen and walked a bit of the Himalayas.

Which I think entitles me to grow a pony tail, or perhaps a topknot, or maybe just wear saffron colored robes. Something like that, anyways.

I still very much want to do sailing, but this is a unique opportunity to both help myself professionally and travel to a truly exotic location, and I'm strongly leaning in that direction.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Crazy People and Movies!

2007-06-24T21:33:00.000+03:00

Some people are a challenge to work with. And that's all I'll say about that.

WE HAVE A MOVIE THEATER! With craaazy rules! That change! A lot. Lemme back up a second.

People who come over here have to be a bit hardy, I think. You have to be someone who is easily entertained, and pretty low maintenance, all things considered. In other words, you have to like shiny things! And also still turn pencils into drumsticks occaisionally. What? Don't even pretend you don't know what I mean. If you can't or don't do that, you will probably find this a tough place. There's not a lot to do and the hours are long. MWR (The Crrrrazy People(tm)) do what they can, but you're locked down on bases pretty much 24/7 except when on a mission, there's no drinking, supposedly no dating (HA!), the living conditions are somewhat austere, the food repetitive and people randomly burst into flame from the heat. Fish jump OUT OF THE WATER sometimes it's so hot. Anywhoo, you have to try and group up a bit if you can, and go do whatever limited social things are available. Like Karoke (covered earlier) or the movie theater.

Now the movie theater usually shows movies in a rotation set by MWR. The rules are somewhat vague, but they'll play any legally bought movie (no Hajimart films made with a home camcorder version of spiderman III) and of course no ahh.. adult art films. Ahem.

Sundays though, it's open movie night, first come first serve. So we called and were told that. So we showed up to watch a film. and were told the room was reserved.

(blink)

See, even the BADGUYS are more consistent than that! Anyways, courtesy of our group there is now a written rule that it's first come first serve. Frankly, I think someone was trying to do a favor for a buddy and was playing a "room is reserved" game. But whatever.

So I watched Dodgeball. In a former baath party building. In Iraq. It's interesting how much funnier and sillier certain movies are with a group of people laughing along with you in the middle of a warzone.

Oh, and I'm on a mission to get a CD of Zoolander now.

It's hawwwwwt! Why is it so hawwwwwwwt?!

2007-06-15T20:47:00.000+03:00

I feel like a little kid dragging his feet. The heat just does that to you. Don'! Wanna! Go! Ousside! Is poopy! I can't explain it well. I've tried the hair dryer analogy. I've tried to compare it to an ez-bake oven, but nothing really does it justice.

I have been in the heat, of course. I've been in the heat and humidity, which can be worse in some ways. But this, this is simply outstanding in my mind. The wind is a constant 25mph presence at times during the day that you have to use the chin strap on your hat or it will simply take off. It's so incredibly bright that no one who can afford darkdarkDARK sunglasses is without them. That wind, combined with the intense light that almost sun blinds you, plus the heat in the air and baking up off the ground... wow.

Here's the deal. It's a dry intense heat. You walk out and immediately feel like you feel on the beach as a sunburn starts to set in. Your skin starts to feel that certain sense of warm. PLUS, you wonder why so many guys have beards until you realize that WINDBURN sets in too. AND the wind evaporates your sweat immediately, which means you really don't understand how hot you are until you go inside and start sweating again.

Out here, by the time you realize you're thirsty you can be in serious trouble with dehydration. And I don't have to wear all the heavy army kit and armor most of the time. I cannot imagine how those who do function out in the streets. It's almost superhuman.

My next gig will be somewhere cooler. Perhaps the sun.

And it's a few more days until it's officially summer and the heat really comes on. :O

Regards,
-Bouncer-
PS: It's 95F at 10PM as I write this and that's BALMY.

Karoke in the Dust

2007-06-15T07:20:00.000+03:00

So we have MWR people. MWR stands for Morale, Welfare and Recreation. These people are kindly, but insane.

For instance, they've decided that karoke in the desert combat zone is a good idea. Mind you, theis is karoke without ANY alcohol. The Japaneese, who invented the art, have a religious proscription that prevents karoke without alcohol, because it is entirely too strange. In a country where you can buy used panties and a beer from a vending machine...

ANY-ways, I went last night because a co-worker of mine goes. I only stayed about an hour or so. While there were some screechers and some people trying to sing like the original artist, there were also some pretty decent crooners who did their own take on the songs and carried them off well. They could easily make it at least a couple of rounds in American Idol. Applause was enthusiastic, even for the ahh.. tone deaf. Partially to be nice, and partially because it's not easy to get up and sing in front of others.

And listening made me realize that there is actually a skill to karoke. Something I'd not considered possible. Basically, know your range, and work in it. Don't try to pull of Whitney Houston if you're a guy (or even most women). Also, sing the song with your voice. Don't try to sing with a twang you don't have. Sounds great to you, whiny as all hell to everyone else. Finally, any guy can sound sexy as hell. It's easy. Take any Whitney Houston type song or R&B type ballad like "Love for Sale", and say the words in a low voice Barry White style. Throw in some "mmm mmm mmm!" sounds and you're golden.

Also, the MWR lounge is the coldest building on base not in use as a meat locker. It's loooooooooooverly for that reason alone.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

A few words...

2007-06-08T21:13:00.000+03:00

Haven't been blogging much. Pulling north of 90-100hrs a week right now so I eat, sleep, poop, and work and not necessarily in that order. It'll slow down, but not right now.

So a few observations:

I came out of a building today for dinner around 5pm (1700 to you military people :p ).. and it was overcast and in the upper 90's... and I thought "Hmm, I wonder if it'll rain tonight. If it gets cooler I might need a jack...WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE! NO ONE SHOULD LIVE IN A COUNTRY WHERE 95F is "light jacket" WEATHER! IT'S WRONG! IT'S JUST WRONG!"

So I went to the DFAC and had some ice cream. Sometimes you need ice cream. I cannot explain it to anyone not here.

Also, I realized there is one unusual upside to being here in Summer. See, in most bases like these in most countries, you have communal showers, so you either shower earrrrly or late, because anytime after 6:30 and you're taking an ice shower.

Not here. Here, you can take a shower using just the "cold water" and the "hot water" is basically scalding steam. You never ever run out of hot water, and the irony is that the shower seems to get HOTTEr not colder over time. Go fig.

Oh, and tell all your friends and neighbors and the talking head morons on TV. Get the word out. Anytime someone talks about "the surge" or it's effeciveness, tell them it's not actually started yet.

This is just the warm up show.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

PEWZawarannnng!!! BaBang kshhhh!!! ...and the smell of dirt...

2007-05-28T21:21:00.000+03:00

So the first sound, is an outgoing mortar. Either the bad guys have the worst aim ever (entirely possible), OR, they snuck a bit close to our base in order to shoot over us at another base. Also possible although a bit redundant. In fact, I'll feel slightly miffed if that's the case. Apparently, we're not GOOD ENOUGH to be mortared... snif! Okay maybe not so much with the miffness at not getting mortared.

Truly, I dislike mortar attacks the most. Gunfire you have an idea of direction and target, other attacks you have some warning.. but moratrs.. they're just so random and yet someone is trying to hurt YOU. It's a complete crap shoot, there's not a lot you can do you just have to endure.

Anyways, it doesn't sound at all like the "thoomp!" you're used to from the movies. Or at least, it doesn't sound that way from downrange.

The second sound, woke me at midnight and scared the heck out of me. Sounded like they were walking mortars in, but they were too quiet. So maybe it was mortars being shot out of the sky (it happens, don't ask me how) and bits and pieces landing near me. And then the hooch started to vibrate and I was putting on my crocs (YAY for Crocs, btw.. seriously, go buy a pair and you will see!) to go scurry to the shelter! As I got to the door it opened and my hooch mate came in.

"What the hell is going on out there?" I said.

"Sandstorm" he replied.

Which is when the noises started to make sense. The BaBangs were cables rising up and slapping down on the roof. The Kshhhh was dirt and small pebbles (instead of rain) hitting the siding at high speed, and the smell of dirt was just that. Thank the lord I have good weatherproofing. Still had a light coating of dust over everything this morning though and a nearby bathroom trailer lost it's tin roof covering.

Ahhhh... Good times.

Then later, I read a report how this was actually not a weather event at all, but a co-ordinated attack! Apparently the bad guys got ahold of a boatload of industrial fans... most likely supplied by Syria or Iran! :O

Their plan had something to do with joyriding bikes around the camp and moving door mats around randomly. Fiendishly clever if you ask me. Without my "Hello Kitteh!" doormat I'd never find my hooch!

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Foodtimes and Boy Scouts

2007-05-25T19:53:00.000+03:00

Hey there...

Sorry for not posting much lately. Part of it has been a pretty heavy workload which didn't leave me much time or energy for posting. Part of it has been spotty internet access recently. Part of it has been pure, unadulterated slacking on my part.

AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN SOMETIME IF I FEEL LIKE IT SO THAR!

That's right! I said it! ..Cause I'm all rebel-ly like that.

Today, we had a drill. See, a couple of weeks ago, there was a reasonably intense firefight late at night. Small arms fire was pretty close sounding. Usually it's muffled by the multiple walls, but some of these weren't, which tends to point to it being closer rather than farther away. And then some pretty loud explosions which shook the hooch a tad. Also, word on the gravel (ha! I am so clever!) is that a couple of bad guy doofuses actually tried to broach the wall. To put it mildly, they were unsuccessful.

Nonetheless, it was decided that we would have a drill to test our defenses.

So today, we had a drill. Which required everyone to act as if the perimeter had been breached and everyone had to wear kevlar and helmet anytime they were outside and no driving around etc etc.

Did I mention it was 109F today? And that because we were "under attack" the DFAC was takeout only?

Now me, I have a couple of problems with that, because I am fat and like my foodtimes.

First, it's 109F. With a wind, it feels like you're living in the world largest hair dryer. Second, it's a LONG DAMN WALK to the DFAC. In the worlds largest hairdryer. Third, you're wearing 30lbs of armor on this long damn walk in the worlds largest hair dryer. Fourth, you have to wash your hands before entering the DFAC. Which makes no sense when you can only get takeout, but whatever. Fifth, you have to walk BACK, with your food, and your armor, in the worlds largest hair dryer.

Beleive me when I tell you, there is no food on the planet that good. Not even an ice cold beer in a frosty mug held between the buxom breasts of an 18 year old German bier maid is worth that.

Also, in a real scenario you can plain forget on the DAC being accessible at all. Or anyone being stupid enough to risk their life to make the journey. Nonetheless, because it's only a drill the DFAC is open and all you have to do is bake yourself alive to get there.

OTOH, I was a boyscout. I had my tunafish and crackers at my desk for lunch in the cool AC'd building.

What, you didn't think I was dumb enough to walk out there in THAT?!?!??

Look, if it's ever a real situation, no one is going anywhere for hours if not days. That's just common sense. I mean, YOU can go out in the firefight for a Mars bar and Pepsi if you really want, but me, I'm hding behind as much steel and concrete as I can find. So I have a decent stock of jerky, canned soups, tunafish and crackers and bottles of water and power bars. If I have to work late or miss a meal I'm still okay, if I get locked down, I'm still okay. When the place turns all pygmalion I'll be King! AHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHA!!! ...What?

It's like living in a hurricane all the time. Your motto should be "What do I need to hunker down here for a couple days?" If it's not, then you deserve to bake the idea into your brain walking 1/2 a mile in 109F temps wearing 30lbs of armor. :p

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Oranges and Colds

2007-05-17T06:11:00.000+03:00

I have a cold, which is why not much writing. I'll get better, but right now I'm a sick pup and Sneezy-Sniffly is my name-o.

In other news, there are crazy people out here. No, now the jihadis. They're crazy, but that's not what I mean. I met a guy the other day who come in country to repair some equipment. His luggage had gotten lost for a few days. He was relieved to find that when it showed up, his free range no hormone oranges were okay.

(blink)

That's when I realized he was wearing open toed sandals LA style. In Baghdad. Iraq.

(blink blink)

You know, sport, just a thought here, but there's a fucking reason why all the people who have to go outside the wire look like the Michelin man. And it's not because they're all on a weight training regime of wearing 35lbs of extra heavy clothing to build up their calves and thighs.

Swear to god I thought if he was going to ask if we could go off base and find a Starbucks or something. Well apparently he had a come to Jesus moment a few nights ago after a mortar round landed about 1/4mi from where he was staying.

He's decided that this place "can be kind of scary".

You. Think?

Please, America, do not send me any more free range orange eating LA hippies. Please. I may choke the next one out of sheer annoyance.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Happy Mother's Day!

2007-05-13T19:51:00.000+03:00

I took this photo earlier today.

Proof that even in Iraq the flowers know it's Mother's Day!

Why yes, yes I *AM* earning brownie points. :D

Love ya Mom.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

On Torture in Combat

2007-05-09T06:45:00.000+03:00

As you know, a recent study came out that indicated about 4 in 10 Marines would be willing to torture someone in order to save the life of a buddy. And of course, the pundits on both sides have gone to town, as have the talking heads ad infinitum.

I think people are on about two different things though.

Some individuals conclude from the article that roughly one out of two marines "favor torture". Oh my gosh they're all mercenary killers, drama +++.

Other people, myself included, see that the article is talking about physical abuse of battlefield detainees IN ORDER TO SAVE A LIFE. It's that whole SAVE A LIFE thing that sets it apart. And not just any life, but the life of a combat soldier they personally know.

So here's a question for everyone. Would you burn someone with a cigarette on their arm in order to SAVE THE LIFE of your parents or children, or brothers or sisters?

If you would, then Oh my gosh YOU favor torture too you mercenary killer you! If not, then really, you've not much of a family have you.

Or would you honestly sacrifice THEIR lives for YOUR principles?

In which case you are REALLY fucked up, and, selfish as all hell to boot.

The point here is not to try and logic trap you into a choice you wouldn't make under ordinary circumstances. The point is to try and communicate that there is systemic government sponsored torture with written reports, videos made, dedicated facilities, procedures and the like. Then there is beating or burning someone in order to extract information needed SPECIFICALLY to SAVE A LIFE IMMEDIATELY. One is not justifiable. The other can be. At least in the eyes of 1 out of 2 Marines, and others here in the country. Myself included.

Because if you actually read the report for yourself, that's what the question references. Saving a buddys life in combat. In combat, a "buddy" isn't your neighbor who lets you borrow his pruning shears. It's not someone in another unit, or army. It's someone you know personally. The person who rides next to you in the vehicle, who sleeps next to you and snores like a motherfucker, who showers in the portable tent 2ft away from you. The one who reaches over you to grab the salt at the DFAC or who you trade m&ms with out of your MRE bag.

He's also the guy that provided covering fire for you yesterday so you could get out of the bad position, or who kicked in a door so you didn't have to. He's the one who shot the badguy who had the draw on you, or the one that poured water over your head to check for dings after the last grenade went off a tad close.

Would you torture to save his life?

With the relationship as described, I bet many of you would. Because that's what a combat "Buddy" is. The HBO series about combat "buddies" in WWII is aptly titlesd (and based on the book) Band of Brothers. This is the level of relationship we are talking about. In fact, I bet some of those who are most decrying this "report" (really a just a survey) would be the first to do so. In fact, I suspect the 46% of Marines who said they wouldn't were probably lying to avoid the bullshit the question inspires.

It's a rare circumstance. US Soldiers don't fall into enemy hands often. When they do we will move heaven and earth to recover them. If that means captured badguys have a few cigarette burns, and an otherwise bad day, then oh-fucking-well. No one saw anything, no one has any idea how it happened, and no one is going to be prosecuted. All we know is we got our buddy back. We got our family back. And we don't really care about the rest.

Distinctions of right and wrong are simply much more vague on the battlefield. They always have been down throughout the history of man (and battlefields) If you cannot understand that, then the point of the discussion (and the original question) is simply lost on you.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

"R" and those annoying kids with the loud musics!

2007-05-04T21:09:00.000+03:00

First item: For those of you who know this person, "R" arrived safely today, and we had lunch, then we repaired to casa Bouncer for a few minutes. I dropped "R" back at the airport so they could catch the next flight on to where they were going.

Was that obscure enough, or should I have written it in pig latin? Heh.

Anyways, it was good to hear about folks back home, you know who you are.

Second item: Showing "R" my hooch made me realize that you can tell the mental state of someone over here by how they set themselves up. A co-worker dropped by my hooch the other day and seemed annoyed that I had a (my opinion) pretty decent set up. His place by comparison looks pretty much like a tornado hit it.

It's not like the rooms come either nicely set up or tornadoized. I put time and effort and a little bit of money into making it into a solid little cubby hole I could call home. Some of it is just good planning, and some of it is simply taking care to keep the place reasonably clean.

And that brings me to my point. You can (I think) tell the difference between those who hate this place and can't wait to leave (sty) and those who don't have the same issues and are preparred to stay (nesters). I am clearly a nester. I am building a nest, a lair, a sanctuary.

Dust and dirt you have to fight, no doubt, but just a minute or two a day with a wet paper towel can help more than you realize. As can simply making your bed daily. Or putting your clothes in a somewhat neat pile. Then when you walk in there's floor space, and a place to lie down. It's clean and it smells decent. And that just makes it mentally easier to let things go and move on to the next thing. You have a private sanctuary where you can breathe deeply and easily. That makes this place a bit more survivable mentally and emotionally.

And that's how I think of my cubby hole. It's my sanctuary, my lair. My place. It's away from work and others so I can just be alone to read or surf or stare at the TV if I want. It may sound trivial, but out here, it's not.

Plus, when the ladies come by, I turn on the lava lamps and the Barry White... I'm just sayin'!

Third item: One of the things "R" mentioned to me was how back in the states you have so many piddly distractions and uncivil behavior. Over here, there aren't any kids with the booming stereos pulling up next to you at a stop light. People are more courteous, more civil, both because of the large military presence, and, I think, because we all share a certain bond. I'm not saying it's like a family. It's like we are all, to a limited extent, co-workers. We're all part of a larger something trying to move in a certain direction. And that shared purpose creates, I think, a sort of shared experience bond that leads to more courtesy towards people we might not acknowledge back in the states. It's an interesting phenomenon.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Icey coldness!

2007-04-30T06:05:00.000+03:00

I has a refrigerator! \o/

I do not know if it was providence or my anonymous friend, but yesterday, like magic, three of them appeared at the PX. Pouncing commenced and there is one slightly bewildered TCN cashier wondering why the crazy person ran up, threw monies in their face, grabbed a big box and ran off giggling insanely.

It is making ice for me now. ICE. For me. Wheneeeeeeeeeever I want.

It is a good refrigerator. I like it. A lot. I think I will call it "Fridgy". Or Perhaps "George". I'm not sure yet. Maybe I'll militarize it and make it into the "SIERRA 27 PREPLACED ALPHA REGULATED TACTICALLY ADJUSTABLE COOLANT UNTITIZED SYSTEM!! ...AKA:

SPARTACUS.

Code Name: SPARTACUS. Hmm...

Or maybe "Fridgy". Still not sure.

It's the desert, people. It makes you a bit nutty. Or in my case, nuttier. And it's not even really hot yet. Which is why I wanted to get one now, both to build up a strategic ice reserve, AND because you can flat forget trying to get one when it's really hot.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

"T" and The Options

2007-04-27T19:55:00.001+03:00

First, I have to say thank you to someone. "T". Thank you, for the conversations. Thoughtful conversation seems to be a rarity these days. So many times it's all about shouting down the other guy while spouting the party line. Right or Left. As "T" would say: "That's all crap. It's CRAP!" So thank you, "T". You know who you are.

I had to give credit, because "T" made me realize something today in conversation. Basically, at this point I think we have a choice to make in Iraq. We can either:

A) Try to make Iraq like America, or

B) We can do business with them.

I don't think we can do both though, in the short term, and so we need to make a decision as to which is more important to us.

With A, it would seem, on the surface, that the Shia are the better choice. They are, in many ways, more liberal. They have women doctors, allow women to drive, attend school and so on. The other side of the Shia coin, is that they are beholden to various personalities in their religion, and these personalities are all in a competition to hate the west the most. The Sunnis, by comparison, do not let their women drive or be doctors and limit their work and education options, treating them in large part as if they were cattle for making babies and of not much more value than that. The other side of the Sunni coin though, is that they are not as outwardly tied to their religion, and their version of Islam is not as much a cult of personality.

Of course, by favoring one you infuriate the other and they start killing.

With B, it's a much less PC option. It in effect says we are only interested in the oil, and our people ARE giving blood for that oil (and corporate profits). But at the core of it, that is a big part of the truth. This is, as it always is, about economic strategic interests of nations. In short, money and resources. Nonetheless, we maintain a public fiction that this is about "freeing" Iraq, and this would be an admission that that public statement isn't the truth. That our foreign policy is not based on what's right for others, but on what's in our interest. Still, unlike option A, the choices are simpler with option B. You don't have to chose between two bad options. You go with whoever wins, which absent our presence would probably be the Sunnis because they are more educated, more disciplined and better at cowing the Shia. Witness the last 40 years in Iraq if you don't believe me. From a strategic interest perspective, it would be more like dealing with Saudi Arabia, and less like dealing with Iran. They are less religiously motivated and therefore far more amenable to doing business with the west. Yes, there's the 1% in Al-Queda or what have you. But that's 1% and they would be pretty ruthless in stamping them out too.

The thing is, the policies that got us where we are today are all predicated around public option A (in order to get to option B), which means backtracking to option B is made harder by the public reaction to the abandonment of our supposed "Fight for Freedom". It would be a repudiation of morality for reality, and that doesn't sit well with the public when so many of our finest have laid down their lives for a "higher purpose" or a "fight for freedom".

I am not cynical and don't mean to sound cynical, but I am speaking plainly. I am a realist. I believe if we do stick around long enough the civil war will burn itself out, and we will be the regional King makers. I believe that in itself is a viable reason to stay, as well as for us to act as a check on Chinese influence into the region. I also believe that regardless of Nancy Pelosi's public statements, the Democrats won't be withdrawing anyone anytime soon. At the end of the day, the Democrat leadership knows this is really all about business and the strategic interests of the US. They have as many defense contractors and oil companies in their districts, and as many vested reasons to maintain a solid American presence in this region until all the oil is gone.

That's not right. That's not left. That's just plain old reality. IMO. YMMV.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Irony

2007-04-26T20:51:00.000+03:00

This post has a couple of pics, because they caught my attention.

In the first, you can see the devastating efficiency and logic behind gov't operations.

In the second, you can see how the Koreans approach relations with the Iraqis.

There's just something wonderful about these two things. I can't really explain why, but in this place, you take humor where you can find it. Even in the bizarro post system we have, or in the almost childish naivete of some of the people out there.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

AAFES Absolutely Awesome Fun Exciting Stuff!

2007-04-24T20:12:00.000+03:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

Okay phew, had to get that out after I wrote that title. More like:

AAFES Absolutely Assinine Frustrating Experience Shopping

Legally, I hear it stands for Army Air Forces Exchange Service.

Frankly, it ought to stand for "Retards R' Us" because clearly, that's who is running it.

See, the concept is simple, it's a store where soldiers in country can buy goods and services. It can be tiny, like some Post Office/General Store/Gas Station/Banjo Repair Shop in a little mountain hamlet in WVa. It can be as large as a smaller but well provisioned multi-store area, with enclosed atriums and food courts and the like.

Basically, it's the military's version of a mall.

Now over here, understandably, selection is somewhat limited. You can't find every single thing you might find in a mall back in the states, and some part of the store is always reserved for military clothing and gear and what have you. Sure and that makes sense.

What doesn't make sense though, are some of their other choices. I'm in a desert, in Iraq, in a combat zone, living in a small space or sharing a tent with other people. You would think something useful might be, say, an ice maker. You put bottled water in, you get ice cubes out, and you can store them. It's the desert, ice isn't just good for your hawaiian punch, ice is really useful for keeping food cool, keeping camelbacks (portable water backpacks) cool, putting in front of fans as an instant cheap and portable AC system and so on. Ice is just really really useful here.

Do we get ice makers?

No.

We get 60 inch RPTVs.

Let's think about that. First, no one has space for a 60 inch TV that's about four feet thick. These aren't thin plasmas, they're honking big rear screen projection TV's. Second, even if someone below the rank of Major General DID have the space for one, there's no damn way to get it back to your hooch, unless you have your entire squad hump it out to the mini-bus and tie it to the roof, probably blowing out the donut sized tires in the process. Seriously. You're not going to sell any of these to anyone besides a major command looking for a quick replacement to a broken one somewhere. And they can just get one from regular supply.

So, no ice makers, but ridiculous TVs. And not just ONE large screen TV. Oh no, they have MULTIPLE models. The mind boggles as to who they think is buying these things IN IRAQ! Clue #1 AAFES: Dump these. Buy 3 models only:
One 7" personal LCD DVD player with an aux video input so we can play xbox on it. One 20" LCD model with both a built in DVD player AND a VGA input at 1024X768 resolution so we can play DVDs, XBOX OR hook our laptops up to it. And finally one 24" or 27" LCD model like the 20" model but with 1600X1200 VGA resolution. Done. That's it. Nothing bigger in a country where everyone is living in a shoe box or shared living space and power is spotty at best.

Clue numbah two: Refrigerators. There is no reason for these to be out of stock. Ever. It goes back to cold storage and it's value in a desert. HELLO McFLY! IRAQ = DESERT! Should be three models. A Small, mid-size and full size, with emphasis being on the mid size. End of Discussion. Are there ANY in the big PX? Nope. Nary a one. But holy god we've got enough irons to open the worlds largest laundry. Even though everyone is wearing standard rumply BDUs and everyone can get their laundry done and folded FOR FREE! Ditch the Irons. Get with the Fridges. This is not brain surgery.

As opposed to trying to treat this place as if it were "Anyplace USA", and just putting together a smaller hodge-podge selection, consider it for what it is, A wartime PX/BX in a DESERT. Desert = Heat/Hot/Hotness/And ALSO IT'S FUCKING HOT! We do not need electric toasters oh AAFES insane people. We can cook anything we want by just throwing it in the air and spearing the flaming bits as they come down.

Also, in the list of stupid things for which someone should be shot in teh face Dick Cheney style:

Do not sell Glade Electric Air Fresheners but Refills from Airwick. These are not compatible. It's just base stupidity. If you cannot get THAT right, it probably explains why you can't figure out that having plastic cups, silverware and napkins is not so useful without paper fucking plates... SWEET JESUS WHERE DID YOU PEOPLE COME FROM?!?!?!

Also, do not sell hamburgers and hot dogs without buns. That's just cruel & unusual. It's just mean. If you can get frozen meats shipped here, you can damn well ship the buns at the same time. It's not like they have to be routed on some special "bun supertanker".

It all makes the bunnies cry. It really does.

Other food items are really important too. We do not need 4000 different types of candy. There aren't any kids here, and the ones out in town aren't clamoring for a wider selection. Plus it all just turns to choco-goo anyways more than 5 feet out the door. Use the space for bags of ice, sunscreen and the like.

Triscuits. I dunno why there are no Triscuits in Iraq, but someone should be shot in the face TWICE for this. Triscuits are THE alternate food source of choice, since you can stack any combo of dogfood, bugs and canned cheeze spray on it and it's not only good, it's good for you. Bring back Triscuits like yesterday. Seriously. Eight triscuits and one piece of cheese, heated, is a dinner made in 20 seconds that can then be shoved into a plastic bag and eaten 18 hours later without issue under any circumstances. Accept no substitute.

Also, for the love of all that is holy, Please lose the cowboy Apocolypse Now style hats. I've been here over a month and I have yet to see a single one worn by anyone anywhere in theater. You want to sell something popular? Guayabera shirts and light material sweats and any other clothing designed for the heat. Also, Smaller shmeghs. The traditional one is simply too big to be as useful, make one that's about 1/2 the current size.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Impressive, Most Impressive...

2007-04-23T15:47:00.000+03:00

(cue ominous music)
Here, on the shores of a man-made lake, in the Heart of Baghdad, under burning skies, stands a silent sentinel of a Pala...
(record scratch sound)

OH FOR CHRISTS SAKE WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET TEH DAMN BABEH GEESE OUT OF THE BIG SCARY PICTURE!

Apparently, Mother Nature has decided that she's not going to let the crazy monkeys ruin HER spring. She has decided that all manner of kittens, duckehs, baby geese, other little twittering and tweeting swooping birds, hell, even wild dog puppies can and will be born. And they will frolic and play. All right up in the middle of your very heavily armed base and ominous palace and stuff.

So there.

I think we have just been told off, in a very subtle, but fundamental way.

Also, the Momma geese was hissy and gave me the eye while moving her babies to the lake. Since I was not all about getting "The Pinchey bite!" I kept a decent distance. They then paddled serenely off. I could not tell you why, but it gave me a rather large, goofy grin.

Then later, some car bombs went off. This place...

Regards,
-Bouncer-

PUMA!! (minus the A)

2007-04-22T20:13:00.000+03:00

The weird thing about explosions is that they don't sound like the movies. It's a "POOM!" sound, very distinct, like saying the word PUMA! without the "A". And it slaps at your chest. These two were apparently directed at a police station.

I hate the bad guys more every day. I can see why the troops feel like we should stay just to try and protect the regular Iraqis from these assholes. The problem is, they're on both sides, and they're well financed. And the money isn't coming from bake sales. It's coming from people who want whats under this country.

Don't ever believe this is about two religious sects within the Muslim religion. That's a blivet. A blivet is defined as 7lbs of horsehit in a 5lb bag. This is about Iran fighting against the US for control of Iraq, Saudi Arabia fighting Iran for control of Iraq, and some Iraqis trying to cow other Iraqis for control of Iraq.

The Qu'ran has about as much to do with it as the Thin Mints in my desk drawer. It's ALL about a "dollah".

Does that make me and other contractors "mercenaries"? I don't think so, because we're not willing to change allegiences for the highest bidder. It IS fair to say we are fighting mercenaries though. The suicide bombers are paid to do it, as are most of the foreign "insurgents". That's why they don't care much who they kill. Americans, Iraqis, women, kids, old people.. makes no difference to the hired murderers out there.

We do care though. Which is why it is so ironic that the wall we are building abround one of the largest Sunni neighborhoods is being complained about by the Sunnis. It's designed to STOP the killing, in both directions, like the "Peace Wall" in Northern Ireland did. But they're complaining about it. I still have Thin Mints though.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Southern Cross...

2007-04-20T21:50:00.000+03:00

So I've been thinking about it more, and I'm starting to develop my plan...

First I need to back up a minute... last summer, I went sailing. And got bit by the sailing bug, bad. To the point that, in my life, I'm reasonably serious about doing an around the world sail. Now, that all sounds fine, but let's be realistic. Sailing around the world is something you plan for years, it's the Everest of sailing, and here I am in my late 30's just getting into this. I don't even own a boat yet.

So I was perusing Cruising World (sailing magazine, not alternative lifestyle magazine) which, oddly enough, a couple of people at a place in the desert that is Iraq get brought to them by the post office. Whatever.. anyways I started to get bit again.. so on my first vacation, I'm going to spend part of it, down in the Caribbean, or possibly in the Mediterranean, doing some instructed sailing and getting some certifications.

So then, I'm thinking of phase II, where I actually buy a boat. probably something in the mid 30-40ft range. Set up so that it can be single handed (sailed by one person) which is not impossible, but does require some thought and planning. I'm seriously thinking about buying a boat out of Turkey or the med somewhere, working it in hops through the med and to Ireland. This will be the time to learn the boat and get the sailing experience as well as get plenty of port time in various places like Greece, Italy, France, Spain, etc. Then in Ireland I'll refit the core equipment, and make the hop across the Atlantic to the US. Then down to the Caribbean, and back up the US coast.

Then I can seriously look at doing a circumnavigation. Dunno for sure how far along this plan I'll actually get, but I am pretty sure I'm taking the instructed sailing courses.

"Got out of town on a boat goin' to southern islands.
Sailing a reach before a followin' sea.
She was makin' for the trades on the outside,
And the downhill run to Papeete Bay.
Off the wind on this heading lie the Marquesas.
We got eighty feet of the waterline.
Nicely making way."

-Southern Cross (Crosby, Stills and Nash)

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Gimpy and the Sat Van

2007-04-20T06:11:00.000+03:00

Two items today.

I hurt my hand yesterday wrestling a suicide bomber to the ground. It's the sort of thing one simply does around here, like a vintner occasionally eating grapes from the vine. See a suicide bomber, tackle a suicide bomber. Then off to work you go. Or, perhaps, I stumbled and fell through a doorway and ganked my hand (slightly) on a bit of a nail in a rough wooden door frame. The person said I scored a 9.5 out of a possible 10 for dramatic flair and gymnastics while falling. I don't recall the high pitched girlish scream, but, go with what works, yanno? Anyways I have a bandaged up hand, no it's not serious, and I'm telling people that snatching bullets out of the air requires lots of practice and don't let people distract you! (Then I point at the bandage and nod seriously).

Already I'm hearing about how the Virginia Tech shootings are getting more coverage than Darfur and how we must be racists etc for not covering every single tragedy everywhere the same.

Look, the reason for the lack of reportage is multiple. There is the technical difficulty in getting to the story, the time zone difference (it's night here when day there) and the lack of commonality. Getting to Blacksburg takes every TV station within 500 miles about 8 hours or so and they can be up and running within moments of arrival. Getting a satellite truck to the Sudan takes about 4 months. If it isn't stolen en route. Once there you still have weeks of bribery to do for the appropriate permits. And you still aren't even at the refugee camps.

Further, beyond the technical, there's the care factor. The more "like you" the victim is, the easier it is to empathize and therefore the more compelling the story. A school shooting in Canada (god forbid) is easier to get to tech wise and the people are more like us in color, culture, language and outlook. Death in an African village can take weeks to get to and they're very unlike us in all of those areas.

We can't imagine ourselves in the shoes/sandals of someone in Darfur, but we can remember/picture going to college here. That's why one is "a shame" and the other makes us tear up. It's not about race or religion or politics. Those are distractions. It's about projection, imagination, and the ability to actually report on the story.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Glad to be Wrong

2007-04-19T07:06:00.000+03:00

Two items:

One, I am relieved the Virginia Tech killer was a loner, without Islamic affiliation. I'm sure there are Muslim American groups that are just as relieved. I don't mean that cynically. You have to know there were some Muslims who were worried about just that. I wonder if FOX already had jumped to that conclusion before someone reined them in. Didn't see it, but would not be surprised.

Two, I had my first sand storm yesterday. A sand storm is a really innaccurate term. It makes you think of howling winds, gritty sandpaper sand and someone wearing a head scarf (shemagh for you arabists) and goggles as they drive a land rover across dunes.

That's not what happened though. What happened was I walked outside and the air was brown. Like, a brown fog had rolled in, with light breezes like in the eye of a hurricane. See... take flour, a lot of flour, turn a room fan on high, feed the flour into the fan until you're in a white fog of flour. Turn the fan off. That's the consistency of it. It's not like a "sand" storm. It's like a dust storm of biblical proportions. But it gums up everything, and you have to wear sunglasses to try and keep it out of your eyes. Good Times.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Ut Prosim

2007-04-18T06:05:00.000+03:00

Most people here don't know what to think about the attack on Virginia Tech.

On the one hand, it's very weird to be in a combat zone but be worried about people back home. We're all also pretty much sure that the other shoe has yet to drop. We've noticed that the police aren't saying much about the shooter yet, and that makes people here think there's more to it. Either we're going to find out he's a terrorist, or recently served in Iraq or Afghanistan, or something.

Maybe when you're in the hurricane you find it hard to believe that another storm can happen and it not involve you somehow. Nonetheless, pretty much everyone here thinnks there's going to be a tie in to this place or A-stan. And we're dreading it. We all pretty much hope we're wrong.

You know that the TV people (and I used to be one in a former life) have hours and hours to fill and no new news. So all they can do is go over everything from every angle. Like asking some student who was just recently in a classroom full of dead and dying kids if the SWAT team announced themselves before they kicked in the door. As if they were serving a warrant as opposed to trying to flat save peoples lives. And then asking her if they pointed guns at the students. Because SWAT knew who the bad guy was and were just bein "The Pigs!" for funsies, while stepping over the bodies. I mean, WTF?

Where did you go to journalism school? The University of Stupid?

Also, there are some here that think this is the beginning of a moslem offensive in the US, and wee should just go ahead and start firing the nuetron bombs and get the big holy war over with. I can't help but think they have a point at times. I mean, there's always this expectation by the Muslim radical leadership that we can't win. And so that we can be driven off. In truth, we choose to show restraint. We COULD kill 99% of the muslims on this planet inside of a year. We COULD turn all their holy sites into so much ruined earth. Frankly, it sometimes amazes me that we don't. And if this shooting turns out to be some terror attack by a muslim, I think we will have moved a few feet further down that road to the final annihiliation of their religion.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

About the 5.11'age.

2007-04-15T20:19:00.000+03:00

I know I posted a while back about the 5.11 clothing craze. It's an interesting phenomenon to me, so I tend to keep an eye on it.

I've started to notice that I can now pick the executive types out of the crowd. I know them, because their 5.11's are tailored. So, just so we're all clear on this point, it's not enough to try and look "tactical". They have to do so with hand tailored "tactical" garments, cuffed at the ankles just so. Some of them even have high end leather shoulder holsters with shiny hand rubbed calf leather rigs, fitted to their tailored shirts.

It's like being in a combat zone with Crockett and Tubbs at times. It's surreal.

That's life in Iraq.

Also surreal is one of the military people I work with. He's young, and I won't name him or his rank, but he's junior enough to be ordered around by Staff Sergeants and the like. He's surreal because he's just sort of hapless at times, like a puppy, still looks like he has a bit of baby fat on him and not much need to shave more than weekly or so. Nice enough, but young, and inexperienced, and far from home in a dangerous place.

And I think he's fantastic, because he's here serving his country, yes. But also, selfishly, because he is so incredibly entertaining. See, you'll see him walk by your doorway from time to time, and he's always carrying two or more items. And these items are as opposite as you can find. He might be carrying a bit of pipe in one hand, and in the other, a stuffed parrot.

You don't know why he has the parrot, where he's coming from with the parrot, or where he's going with it. Later on, he has a bit of cabling, and a pineapple. Which begs a question... WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU FIND A PINNEAPPLE IN IRAQ?!!?!11!!ELEVEN!!

I dunno, it's one of teh great mysteries of our times. A co-worker has a theory that, in fact, various persons task him with acquiring different things, and so he ends up with completely mismatched items in his arms. That's possible I suppose. Another theory is that perhaps a Sergeant is having fun, and tasks him with these on purpose.. like "Mr. X. I need you to get me a spoon... andabrokenchairleg!

AND HE DOES IT! He finds these things! You go looking where he was, searching for the rest of the chair, and NADA! NO EFFING CHAIR ANYWHERE! But he finds a broken leg to one! You explain that to me, because I dunno. I just don't know. I have a theory about parallel dimensions and closets, but other than that, I got nuttin'.

But God as my witness, I cannot wait to see what he brings by tomorrow. I fully expect that one day he'll walk by my door holding a jar of peanut butter... and then the pony he's leading will walk by. Clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop.

That day will be so awesome.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Cookies!

2007-04-12T05:55:00.000+03:00

When a hottie girl walks up into the middle of a crowd of guys around your desk, hands you a box of cookies, says "Hey." and struts off, it's a good day.

When this happens in a place like Iraq where the ratio of Men-to-Women is better than 20-to-1 it's a great day.

When this happens after you've only been on station about two weeks? Yeah, it's a fantastic day.

:o :o :o :o :o <-- Them
:| <-- Me

:o :o :o :o :o <-- Them
:| <-- Me

What the? You been here like TEN DAYS! How the! Who? <-- Them
:| <--- Me

:D

You have to find pleasure in these small moments of accidental triumph, or you will go nuts out here.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Wheeee!!!

2007-04-10T19:50:00.000+03:00

Some people just don't need firearms. I don't mean that as in:

"Some people do not need firearms"

I mean that as in:

"They apparently hand out weapons like popcorn."

I ran in to a group of Abercrombie and Fitch types including a couple of young chicks who look like they need to be home hitting on their girlfriends boyfriends. There's also a few more obvious fast movers with them. They are all packing some serious heat. Pistols and cut down long guns, very nice, very high end stuff. Brand new, all of it. Usually you see one or the other, but rarely both, and rarely shiny new.

So, hey, you see some weird stuff over here, no biggie. A little later I run into them again, and I am not making this up, one of the sorority girls has her cut down M4 (with tricked out upper receiver) upside down swinging the barrel in random directions and is busy looking at the selector. As I pass by she says to one of the other coeds:

"Hey, this thing goes to full-auto!".

(stop)

(blink)

(blink blink)

In my head, unbidden, I think:

"Get. The. Fuck. Out.

Get the fuck out of this country right fucking now!"

Now see, I have nothing against women and firearms. Tall or short woman, long gun, pistol or SAW. Whatever. As long as they're reasonably qualified. But this.. this made me shake my head and walk away. Before I came over here, I bothered to go find an M4 and an instructor and learn/practice with it. Same with the M9. I am not armed, but if I need to pick one up, I wanted to know how to make it make noise (and clear a jam if need be). That's just common sense to me, yanno? Like bothering to learn a stick shift before coming to the land of the Diesel SUV.

But the combo of youthiness, ponytail, cheerleader chirpy voice and complete lack of firearms discipline just filled me with dread.

So please, young lady. Please leave. Take your Tommy Hilfiger PSD team and just go. Get far, far, far away from me so I'm not involved in the accident investigation you people are going to cause, probably within a week.

I honestly believe that with a stern enough voice and flashing a business card at some of them I had a solid 50% chance that I could've gotten some of them to HAND me their rifles just by asking for them. No. Shit. If it wouldn't get me kicked out of the country it'd be worth it just to grow them up a little.

There were (thank Jesus) a couple grown ups (more serious types) with them, but these teen titans are going to need full time adult supervision for a while. So to whoever you are Mr. Adult-Supervision: You have my sympathy, and also, better you than me.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Easter Sunday

2007-04-08T05:45:00.000+03:00

Proof that even Iraq can be, from time to time, a little lovely.

So I've started to read the Bible. Now, don't misunderstand, I'm not entering the Priesthood (sorry ladies)! But it's something I've wnted to do for a while, and I'm in the area where a lot of it occured. It's a bit disconcerting to read a passage about the Euphrates and then SEE the Euphrates. Anyways, I'm still early in, serious Old Testament stuff, and I must say, that there is a lot of begatting going on. And also destruction and mayhem. You tend to forget these things since they tend to concentrate on the New Testament in most sermons you hear now.

Needless to say, Old School God was a bit irritable at times. Like he tells Noah:

"I'm going to kill everything except for you and whatever you stuff into that boat." I mean, I get a bit crabby about some of the repeating DFAC items, but daaaammmmnnn! Think about it. How p.o.'ed do you have to be to kill EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE? That's some serious Wrath right there.

Anyways, So far, Old School God = Don't Make Cranky or ELSE YOU GET TEH SMITING!

Regards,
-Bouncer-

How You Livin'?!?!!

2007-04-06T19:58:00.000+03:00

Yes, I know, it's small, but, it's home. Truth be told, I'm not here much anyways, except to sleep. Maybe a total of two hours a day, if that. Still, me being me, I had to go buy a rug and a decent chair. The rug keeps the dust down plus keeps my tootsies off the floor where they might get "teh chilleh" or something! The chair is because I have a religious proscription against plastic furniture. Note the bed, nicely made, 300 thread count sheets and a husk filled ppillow for my big fat head. In truth it was a bed in a bag, which not only gave me everything I needed, but came in a handy plastic zippable container bag which has been turned into storage. I took the dust ruffle and turned it into a privacy curtain. The side wings fold down and there's a light you can't see in the pic for reading. The curtain makes it a tiny bit quieter, and cuts light from my neighbor in the room next to mine. We share a door and a hallway open at both ends. Got the TV for free from someone leaving, now I'm working on a jacuzzi, decking, and a wetbar!

Really, the whole experience is sort of spartan/summer campish, and gives scroungers and multi-tool/multi-use freaks a real chance to excercise their skills. I hope to havve a rattan loveseat and a shelving system by sometime late this month. Muuuuuuahahahaha!!! I have also been known to sneak, one, perhaps two cookies from the DFAC! :O I'll deny everything of course.

Here's hoping everyone has a fantastic Easter, I'll be missing brunch so have some waffles for me!

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Bubbleboy, Bunnehs and Duckehs!

2007-04-04T19:52:00.000+03:00

I think I've described the "Ground Hog Day" syndrome before. If not, here's the deal. Every day here is like every other day. You get up, you work 12 hours, you eat a couple of times from a rotating menu, then you get an hour or two to yourself before it's time for bed. It's like the movie "Ground Hog Day" with Bill Murray. Day after day is the same and they all blend together. That's where the name comes from.

I'm not complaining, just explaining why you can have to click the clock in your computer tray to know what day it is. Today is Wednesday, btw. I didn't know that until sometime around 2pm. No lie. No reason to know, until I realized I get paid sometime this week, and wanted to know what day it was in relation to that.

But there's another phenomenon out here, which is kind of related. I call it being "Bubbleized". See, back home people are talking about the NCAA championships, or what this or that person running for President did or didn't do. Maybe the latest American Idol contestant scandal or latest less than modest picture of Paris Hilton or Britney! oooo! ...

Here though, we sort of live in a fog. We're bubbleized from the cultural impact of all that. Things are much more immediate, and much less trivial, so there's nowhere near the same level of excitement over these things. We don't have to distract ourselves, there's tracer fire to do that for us. Which can be, btw, quite the pyrotechnic show. Did you know they keep on glowing as they bounce in all directions or arc up into the sky? It's true. It's alsmost as if you can hear the "bazing! bazowie! pting!" and so on. This is at a distance mind you, I'm no where in it, just describing it from afar... mom. Please don't call me inside for dinner just yet. :)

But anyways, the point is that things which seem oh so terrifically important back in the States really aren't here. We know, for instance, that the Congress and President are using the troops like hostages ("Give us the money or else!" vs "Do what we want or else!") but it hasn't much impact here. It doesn't really register. There's a nagging sense that they need to get their poo in one pile, but a sort of general belief that eventually they'll tire of the politics (or fear the consequences of letting it go to long) and finally do what is needed.

And yet, for being as bubbleized as we are, the military makes a concerted effort to not let us drift too far from home mentally or emotionally. This leads to walking into the DFAC and seeing little (non-denominational) Easter decorations like bunnehs! And duckehs! And pink and blue bows and bells and whatnot! All of this on walls of a building where everyone is clanking down their rifles to have dinner on plastic plates while sitting in plastic chairs at long tables. And you think:

"This is how it is at the NICE bases. This is FANCY style right here." And shake your head a little. And then.. there's a moment. You realize that somewhere, on some remote FOB, in a canvas mess hall with sandbag walls and pressboard floors, we have troops sitting down to a dinner of reheated food. Grimy, tired, and getting ready for another "night out on the town".

And above them, playing and frolicking, are little bunnehs and duckehs.

And you realize that no matter what, the insurgents will never, ever beat us. They simply can't. You know how I know? Because we're not scared of the big bad insurgents. No matter what they do, no matter how they act, we're just not scared of them. And without fear, they cannot win.

I mean, think about it. We bring pictures of bunnehs and duckehs when we come to make war. How scared of them can we be?

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Queen For A Year...

2007-04-02T19:34:00.000+03:00

If you're a reasonably pretty girl, and looking to be elevated to near super-star status, come on contract to Iraq. We have had a new girl in the office for a week or so, and you'd have thought Cindy Crawford was strolling the place in her birthday suit. First, there was the gaggle of guys to welcome her (I didn't bother to take part other than to wave from the other side of the room) and then later on, Mr. PITA who's nothing but a smartass to anyone is giving her a guided-fucking-tour! Holy God!

Ironically, she gives me the eye whenever I'm somewhere near her. I think it's because I'm the only guy there not acting like I have a crush on her or something.

Anyways, the whole thing was funny and kind of eye opening at the same time. If this chick shows up in tight clothes (and she's cute, but, you know, not earth shaking), I'm pretty sure I'll have to break out a hose. So I was talking to an Army friend of mine (female) about this, and kind of smirking about it, and she pointed out the unfunny side.

Women who show up in a camp with a LOT of horny young guys trained to be aggressive, who choose to wear clothes as if they want to have sex, may end up having sex whether they want to or not. You can't dress to tease in this environment and be surprised when there are some serious consequences. As well, they're making life harder for the women in the military. Not because it's hard to compete in shapeless camo, but because guys see these women dressed like they are on the Vegas strip, and then they start thinking and talking about them, and carry that right back to the places where the military women work, which means they have to hear more sexual stupidity and deal with more innuendo etc etc. It's tough enough (apparently) being a female out here without some flaunters inciting it.

So here's my PSA to all the Queens For a Year here or in A-Stan or wherever. I appreciate the boot-i-liciousness as much as the next guy. Do us all a favor, and save it for when they have some option besides hitting you in the head with the butt end of a weapon and dragging you behind some t-wall.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

UK Bombs Iran...

2007-04-01T19:37:00.000+03:00

So apparently the UK got tired of waiting on Iran to focus on the here and now as opposed to some historical slight in 1932 and started bombing Tehran.

Needless to say , the situation here went from 0-100mph in about 1 second. There waws just a ton of activity and yelling and then the insurgents tried some stuff and the .50's were opening up and then the Bradley's chimed in with their 30mm chain gun and shit was flying everywhere or so it sounded.

Worst of all, the DFAC (Dining FACility for all you civilian types) was out of Jelleh Donuts! :O And the nearest Jelleh Donut convoy was under attack from Eclaire' loving insurgents!

Clearly trained by the French, these hard core insurgents tried a daring "le' Suicide" mission on an American firebase. They got in close, but the daring sneak attack was repulsed quickly when it was realized that under the fancy poofy French type dresses and frilly umbrellas were beard wearing insurgents! (After a year you'll put up with a LOT!)

The other thing that gave them away was their suspicious behavior. Being French trained, the "le Suicide" corps had to stop in order to go on strike for fewer workdays, and then randomly surrender to passers by, small dogs, and the occasional muffin.

Unless you are completely insane, it should be obvious by now that this is my weak attempt at an April Fools post. So, APRIL FOOLS! If you ARE completely insane, then ROCK ON, BROTHA!

Finally, office politics is remarkably stupid. You would think we're all moving in the same direction, and yet you cannot get people to not play silly little power games. But whatever. As I am starting to say, tomorrow is another day.. or rather here, Tomorrow is the same day, but with a different menu. :D

Regards,
-Bouncer-

April, sort of...

2007-03-31T18:56:00.000+03:00

April is usually a pretty deadly month to be an Iraqi. Whether it's the warmer/drier weather or something else, the month is just unusually violent. Tomorrow is the first day of April, and the bad guys decided to welcome it by blowing up a bomb so large it flattened 100 houses and killed 150 people outright.

It all happened in a city that recently had an explosion of violence so bad the POLICE were running around killing people. I think the only way to stop it from spreading is a massive military presence and enforced curfew to allow people to breathe and get out of the killing cycle.

I don't really know what to say. Some of the more dark humored people (you have to be a little dark humored at times to be here by choice) say things like "Well that's less insurgents we'll have to deal with later". I dunno though.. this may be a tipping point event.

For the record it's all quiet around here though. I start to wonder, sometimes, why they don't just say "Bag it all. Let's divide into three federal states Sunni/Shia/Kurd, split the revenues from the oil somehow and be done with it." The core truth seems to be that the bad guys just will not live peacably with others and they keep trying to drag the rest of the populace into their killing lifestyle.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Looking up at the moon...

2007-03-29T23:37:00.000+03:00

I just got internet back, so I'll keep this short tonight. There is something unique about seeing a "winter moon" in Iraq. You know the kind I mean, almost no clouds or haze in the sky, everything bathed in a blue light and the moon crystal clear and white with black seas... and yet it's around 70 degrees.

You feel like your breath SHOULD be visible, your cheeks chilly and pink. But they're not. It's a little oddity that reminds you, even as you look up and away from bunkers and T walls, that you're far from home. On a winter moon.

That's about as sappy as I can get for one day, must be the stupid joy from having internet back. :) Welp, off to download stuff reeeeeeeeeeeeeally slowly.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

sckkkkeeeeeewwwwwwwwwBABANG!!!!

2007-03-27T09:21:00.000+03:00

Had my first incoming mortar/rocket attack last night. It's interesting the reactions people have. I happened to be at work, and while it might sound all Chuck Norrisy, I kept right on working through the explosions. (There were only a couple, not a sustained barrage). Someone else told me they were reading in bed and threw the covers over themselves. I thought this a wise tactic, because as you know, neither the bogeyman nor a unaimed rocket can hurt you under the cubbers!

The truth is, in my view, that there is no real point in worrying about these things. Like lightning, it's just completely random. I don't mean to sound overly casual about it, but if you get completely wrapped around the axle because someone shot an oversized bottle rocket in your general direction, than under the covers is where you should live. They shot, I'm still blogging, next item. Also, if you do let them get you all ramped up, then in a way, they've won. Terror is a weapon, and if you're unduly scared, then the terrorizers have achieved at least one of their goals.

Well screw them. I'm not going to live my life like a house mouse. If all they can do is toss random stuff occaisionally in my general direction, than I'm STILL safer than the folks back home dealing with the daily commute! And for the record, the impact point looked like a small pothole. People were standing around, smoking cigarettes, joking and using it as an ashtray. Then they filled it in and went off to watch a movie.

So Mr. Badguy... we're not impressed. We're not scared. You're waisting your time. Also, feel free to come closer and we'll bring you the good news.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

A Palace... as built in a Chinese Sweatshop

2007-03-25T21:06:00.000+03:00

This is a palace. Built under Saddam's rule. This Palace is, in many ways, a really good representation of this country. It's big, it's impressive. It has a large open central area when you walk in. This area is covered floor to ceiling in marble, frescos, and hand painted arabic pictographs, symbols, and letters. There is, of course, a large chandelier hanging down in the middle.

At the Al-Faw Palace, on another base, the chandelier is about 25ft across, and huge, hanging from what must be a 65ft ceiling. That Chandelier, like the one in this palace, has one distinct feature you generally will not find in chandeliers in palaces anywhere else in the world.

It's made of plastic.

Yes, plastic. A 25 ft fake-ass plastic chandelier. And the marble you see everywhere is a facade over somewhat crumbly concrete and lower grade iron rebar construction. In fact, the whole building would probably be condemmed if it were in any european or american city. All the non-handpainted detail, all the signs of luxury are sort of.. well.. it's like they're all part of a big Potemkin country. Where the surface looks impressive in scale and materials, but as soon as you lean against a wall it falls over.

Just so, the stairwells are all different sizes, some of them with ceilings you have to crouch down to navigate. I can't think of a better symbol for Iraq, what little I've seen of it.

A thin veneer of oil wealth over some pretty desperate poverty is how I'd describe it. I'm not down on the Iraqis, it's just that under Saddam's regime there was graft at every level, even in building his palaces. That, as much as anything else, is going to take decades.. generations, really, to change. If it ever does.

It goes back to Iraqis, like most people from this area of the world, being tribal in nature. You don't graft off the tribe, but anyone outside the tribe is more or less fair game. You have to keep that in mind. They will be very friendly to you, but will not blink an eye about shafting you in a business deal, or bringing their brothers or cousins in on a deal even if they are more expensive and deliver lower quality work or product.

I finally have pretty reliable internet in my hooch now, so I can upload some pics (blurred areas are for security reasons) and will do so as I go along. One of the things I'll probably talk about is media reporting versus reality. Let's just say that while the soldiers would rather be home, they also feel the mission is important enough to stay, and taht without our presence, the violence you've heard about will turn into a full on regional wise massive war.

I mean, the Iranians will come in to "protect the Shia" (and take over the oil). The Saudis will come in to "protect the Sunnis" (and take over the oil). And the Kurds will break away to form their own country (and take over the oil). Note how taking over the oil seems to be a common thread. And it really points out what is good and bad, a blessing and a curse for Iraq. It is a blessing, in that it's a valuable commodity which they could use to begin to rebuild their country. It's a curse in that all their neighbors voet it enough to fund a civil war to try and deny the "other guy" access to it. And these countries do not care how many women and children they kill to get the control of the oil.

Now you can make an argument that the US is just as bad and blah blah blah. But the fundamental difference is this. The US is the only party that wants the Iraqis to use the oil for their own benefit. That's what sets us apart.

There's a lot of complexity to the situation here, and I cannot possibly cover it all in one post. I will simply say that I am learning more every day.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

5.11 and Camp Smurfy

2007-03-20T22:18:00.000+03:00

So I had to run over to Camp Victory the other day. Victory, is (I think) the largest base in Iraq. Anyways, people over there were all looking "FOBulous' ( a friends derisive term) in their 5.11's.

See, 5.11 is a clothing company that makes tactical clothing for civilians. And many of the security companies (like the guys you see dressed in Khakis guarding this or that important person) started wearing some of their clothing. Well just about everyone wants to look rough and tough and tactical, and so it's now nearly de rigeur. The stuff is everywhere. I described these places earlier as being like a college campus/heavily armed summer camp. This is one of those ways. It's like being on a college campus near the big football game when everyone is wearing their school sweatshirt or what have you. They just nearly all look like magazine adverts.

I'm not bitching, really, I just find it oddly amusing that even in a land where (far off) gunfire is a daily occurance, explosions happen at least weekly, helicopters and jets thunder overhead and fully 7 out of 10 people are armed with at least a pistol if not more, there's this need to "look tactical". I mean, seriously. I wonder when an RPG will be *THE* fashion accessory. I dunno, I guess I'm still viewing the place with an outsiders perspective. Maybe I'll be all kitted up with a 5.11 frequent shopper card by the end of my tour. :) I'll be fobulous! Speaking of FOBs (Forward Operating Bases) there's another term for people who act/look all tough but never leave the bases. Like the guy in supply with the high and tight haircut, tribal or PMC logo tattoos, wrap around Wiley-X' sunglasses and 5.11 everything. the term for him is apparently, "Fobbits". So Fobbits look fobulous. Clear?

It's also interesting in a way, that a lot of ex-military still have this desire to wear a unifrom and blend in with others so they all wear similar clothes. In counter-point, it's likely that many real "operators" probably don't wear 5.11 at this point, having moved on to something completely different (and lower profile). They are more likely to drive something that looks like a 82 Ford crown Vic (but is uparmored and weighs seven tons), rather than some enormous SUV with "Shoot Me!" painted on the side. I'm not saying anything a five year old couldn't figure out.

The point being, that the people many of these folks are desperate to look like are all wearing "Tonka Tough!" clothing line or something which is NOT obviously paramilitary at this point. You'll know we've come full circle when BlackWater or Aegis start their own clothing line. Personally, it all makes me want to start making t-shirts. As opposed to Camp Slayer, Camp Victory, Camp Liberty and other tough sounding stuff, I'd have grey, tan and black t-shirts with "Camp Smurfy" (Smurf-Fucking-Tastic!), "Camp Fluffeh Bunneh" (Bringer of Pain and Candy!), "Camp Sauron" (We Got Fobbits!) etc. Because some of these people could stand a bit of (admitedly juvenile) humor to help them deflate the hyper egos. I'd probably get kicked out of the country. Heh.

Work is work, and it's a bit odd to go from an 8hr workday to a 12hr workday. It seems to make you tired more often than not, though that's probably still some jetlag kicking in. It'll resolve itself. Turnover with the guy I'm replacing has been decent, though in truth I'd not mind if he were here a few more days as a safety net, but I've got his email and phone, so I can reach out for any questions or issues discovered after he leaves and there's nothing I can't handle in a pinch.

The weather has been pretty much fantastic, cool, breezy, and not at all what it's going to be like in summer. Still, it's better than stepping off the plane and doing the whole *burstintoflame!* thing from the heat, which I think nearly happened to me in Bahrain the first time I went there. I swear my shirt was smoldering. Anyways, the weather is really nice right now, so I'm trying to enjoy it as much as I can. It'll be a while before I can get any pics uploaded, and of course any uploaded will have to keep in mind personal and operational security, so I'd not expect much in the way of close ups of sensitive people or places or things like me and my homey Cofer Black or as I call him: "CeeBee!". :)

That's about it for now, time to grab a shower and hit the sack.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

In Country

2007-03-17T20:55:00.000+03:00

So here I am, first post from inside the country. Upon arriving, I managed to bring with me a fairly impressive windstorm/dustorm/rainstorm. Yes! I am the bringer of life and squeals from small heavily armed female soldiers! It IS kind of odd to see them in their off duty shorts and shirts running from the dust and rain while carrying a rifle not quite as tall as they are. But then again, big ruff and tuff guy that I am, I went and hid in the PX for a while and finally bought a bandanna and did a Jesse James with it over my nose and mouth to make it back to my hooch. I was sure to pull it down anytime I got near any one who was armed since the last thing I want is to be mistaken for a bandito! :) On the way back to my hooch, I walked by one of the larger bodies of water nearby, and there were whitecaps on it. (I'll try and upload a picture of this later, it doesn't seem to be working right now.)

Speaking of my hooch (small room where I live), first they put me in a tiny room in the TOP bunk. which is, to put it mildly, pretty much guaranteed death for the guy in the bottom bunk sooner or later. I kid, mostly, but I was concerned that jumping down (because there was no way to climb down) was going to do my knees and ankles no good at all, and it'd be a matter of time until something gave, probably in a way that would require surgery to fix. Luckily, I was able to secure a different room with two single beds, with a co-worker, so while space and privacy are not quite what I'd prefer, at least I'll still have functioning joints next week. Hopefully a single room will open up in the not too distant future. I've got my name on the list. Probably get it the day before I go home or something. :P

Today was mostly flying up (an experience all it's own) and getting settled in. Tomorrow is badges, because badges rule the world. Can't go here, there, or anywhere without a stinkin' badge! So, we'll get that done and then do a sort of mission statement so I know what I'm really expected to do on a daily basis (it's all been a bit vague up to this point) and I'll begin recieving the turn-over from the guy I'm replacing.

You hear the crackle of small arms fire occaisionally, and every now and then something that could be an explosion (or thunder) wayyyyyy off in the distance. Plus the occaisional fighter jet or helicopter. Frankly, other than the rattle of firecrackers someplace, it's not that much different than being near any large military base. I'm so used to all those noises from where I've lived before (including the gunfire) that it's really just background noise.

So that's about it for this post. I'll try and write again sometime in the next couple of days when I have time and a better handle on what my role here is.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

السفر (Travelling)

2007-03-16T22:01:00.001+03:00

Four Hours and then I'm on the move. The armor isn't as heavy or as uncomfortable as I imagined, though I'd not want to be living in it the way the troops do. Note the chic sunglasses. Cause I have to be stylin' and profilin'. I wanted the silk pimp armor, but they were all out.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

في الكويت في الماضي. (In Kuwait at last)

2007-03-16T07:50:00.001+03:00

Along Arabian Gulf Road.

Good flights all around, International First Class is ..different. Everyone addresses you as "Mr. Bouncer" or "Sir", even if you're dressed in cargo pants and a black shirt. When you exit out of the first class lounge through a side door it puts you right in front of the ticket taker who stops everyone and processes you. Not sure how I feel about that. But I didn't insist everyone else go ahead of me, so I can't complain. :) The food was very good (for airline food), but not particularly memorable. At least it was hot and edible. The lie-flat beds work very well, and it was nice/odd/disconcerting to wake up to the landing announcement.

In Germany I took a shower at the arrivals lounge and then camped out in their first class lounge for a bit before heading over to the Casino to lose some euro's playing blackjack and then Duty Free for some "ceegars". Finally off to Lufthansa for the flight down to Kuwait.

Business class there, nice enough, and definately useful to be able to nap. in a seat that reclined quite a bit. So now I'm here, body-clock all messed up, and took a nighttime tylenol to try and zonk out. Filling seems to be fine, knock on wood, and the company apartment I'm in is very spacious. Tomorrow we do some paperwork and running around, and then I fly up Saturday morning.

Kuwaitis drive crazy, and queue like Italians. Which is to say, everyone bum rushes the counters. Other than that though, they seem friendly enough.

Regards,
-Bouncer-

Cuz' That's How We Roll

2007-03-15T02:10:00.000+03:00

In the United Airlines International First Class lounge. AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I had called United about upgrading my ticket but they wanted 2700 bucks so I was like.. umm... no.

Then I go to check in this morning and the Kiosk asks me if I want to upgrade for $500. :o ...DONECLICKYBUTTONHURRYHURRYGOGOGOGOBEFOREOPTIONGOESAWAY!!! So I upgraded to first class.

I have to admit, the open bar and smoked salmon and quiet area with no screaming kids is worth every single penny. Not to mention the lie flat seat, and because I'm in row 2, where it curves forward, I get a view basically out the FRONT of the plane.

Plus PJs! \o/ YAY FOR PJs!

It's tough being this pretty. ;)

Regards,

-Bouncer-